Dear Home Planet,
Landed in a shopping mall parking lot (Saturday, as advised). Purchased a soft pretzel with my Earth money. Delicious. The humans inside walk in big circles for hours carrying bags. Nobody would tell me why. Is it a religion? Investigating.

Glorp of the Seventh Moon
(really Carla, 12)

Attempted the handshake. Shook forty times. The human seemed uncomfortable and said "okay, okay, okay." Reread the guide. Now I do three. Much better. Thank you, Darius.

Commander Zzzt
(really Matthew, 11)

Attended a birthday. They SET THE CAKE ON FIRE, just like the guide said. I tried to put it out with my freeze ray. Everybody screamed. Then everybody clapped. Then they gave me a pointy hat. I am wearing it now. I may never take it off.

Princess Fleeb
(really Bethany, 10)

REPORT: Have observed the glowing box. One human holds the remote control. All others obey. When another human reaches for it, there is shouting. The ruling human is called "Dad." Recommend we do not challenge him.

Unit 7
(really Rachael, 12)

Ate a lima bean. Darius was right. Leaving planet now.

Blip
(really Kayla, 10)

Visited a human school. Unfortunately it was a Monday. The guide is correct about Mondays. A tall human gave me a sheet of paper called "homework" and told me it was due Wednesday. We do not have homework on my planet. I am going home to my planet. Please tell the tall human.

Xyra of Andromeda
(really Cassie, 13)

The guide says the dog is not in charge. I have studied this house for three days. The dog sleeps in the middle of the bed. The humans sleep on the edges. The dog eats first. When the dog wants to go outside, a human gets up and opens the door. I am sorry, Darius, but I think the dog is in charge.

Twinkle Zorp
(really Deborah, 10)

The man on the TV said it would rain cats and dogs. I brought a big net. I stood out in it for an hour. I caught nothing. Very disappointed. Then I read the phrasebook. Oh.

Mib
(really Carolyn, 9)

Have completed my study of Earth pizza. Ranked 31 pizzas from 9 restaurants over 6 weeks. Results: the best pizza is whatever is left over the next morning, eaten cold, standing in front of the refrigerator. My mission is complete. I may stay anyway.

Zarnak, Seeker of Pizza
(really Douglas, Baltimore)

Stood in a line at a government building for two hours to get a small card with my picture on it. The picture is terrible. On my planet we have teleporters. On your planet you have lines. I will return when you have fixed this. Your guide is correct that you must not cut. I watched a man try. It did not go well for him.

Glixx the Wanderer
(really Randall, Pittsburgh)

To the young Earthling who wrote this guide: excellent work. Please inform him that he still owes me for the popcorn at The Phantom Menace. Both times. The large tub. With butter.

Overlord Kurtis of the Planet Couch
(really Uncle Curtis)