The Tuesday Morning Excuse Book

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THE EXCUSE BOOK
Five years of Tuesday excuses, rated for believability

Every golfer needs a reason. We've heard all of these on the walk off the eighteenth green, most of them more than once. After a lot of argument over coffee, the four of us rated them on a scale of one to five:

5 — We all nodded. No further questions.
4 — Reasonable, and we've used it ourselves.
3 — Could be. We'll allow it this once.
2 — Somebody said "uh-huh" in that tone.
1 — The whole cart laughed.

THE EXCUSE	RATING
"The wind." We live in Kansas. It is always true. The trouble is it's true for all four of us at once, so it doesn't explain why you lost.	5
"I had a lesson from a tree." Mine. See Rule 3. A man who hits as many trees as I do is always learning.	5
"The grandkids stayed over." Up at five o'clock watching cartoons, and you were up with them. Every one of us has used this, and every one of us meant it.	5
"That was a good shot, for me." The most honest excuse in golf. The Professor says it isn't even an excuse; it's a scouting report.	5
"The sun was in my eyes." The third hole points straight east, and we tee off on it around 7:30. In the spring and fall, this one holds up.	4
"The mower started up." The grounds crew starts the big mower on the next fairway at the exact moment of somebody's backswing, every Tuesday. We think they have a schedule.	4
"A goose." There are geese on the pond on seven, and they have no manners. One walked straight across Coop's line on the green in May and took its time about it. We gave him that one.	4
"The Professor was reading the rule book out loud." He does, sometimes, on the cart ride. It's hard to make a smooth swing after you've heard what Rule 13 says about bunkers.	4
"These new bifocals." Fast Eddie, three weeks running in August. The first week we allowed it. By the third week he'd had them long enough to read the scorecard, and we pointed that out.	3
"The beverage cart came over the hill." See the Treaty, Rule 7. If it really was in view, you should have stopped. If it wasn't, you're just thirsty.	3
"I was thinking about my taxes." A 3 in April. A 1 the rest of the year. Coop used it in September and was told so.	3
"I haven't played since last Tuesday." True for all four of us. Not a reason. A schedule.	3
"I've got a new grip." Coop has had a new grip every month since 1994. At some point it's just your grip.	2
"This ball is out of round." The Professor took it home and measured it with calipers. It was round. He brought the numbers on Tuesday.	2
"I could hear you thinking." Coop, to the Professor, on the fourteenth green. The Professor said he was thinking about lunch. Coop said that was even louder.	2
"The greens were too fast." / "The greens were too slow." Both said by the same man on the same morning about the same green. We won't say who. (Eddie.)	1
"I'm saving my good shots for Thursday." Fast Eddie plays Thursdays with his son-in-law. We have seen no evidence that the good shots arrive on Thursday either.	1
"I hit it perfect. The ground moved." Mine again, from June of 1997. No earthquake was reported in Sedgwick County that day. I checked, and so did the Professor.	1

Tally: 18 excuses. Four 5s, four 4s, four 3s, three 2s and three 1s. The Professor points out that for a group of men who say they never make excuses, that's a lot of excuses.

Got a good one? Send it in to [email protected] and we'll rate it over coffee. Bribes in the form of golf balls will be considered.

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Last updated Tuesday, September 21, 1999