> WHAT IS THIS?

It's a machine. You know how sometimes your homework isn't done and you need a reason and your brain just goes blank? This fixes that. I made three columns with twenty things in each one. You pick one thing from Column A, one from Column B and one from Column C, and BAM, you have an excuse.

20 x 20 x 20 = 8,000 combinations. I did the math. (Ironic, I know. See the end of the page.)

> HOW DO I PICK?

Any way you want. Close your eyes and point. Pick your lucky numbers. Or if you have a 20-sided die from Dungeons & Dragons, roll it three times. That's what I do. My friend says that makes this "role-playing homework." He is not wrong.

> IS THERE JAVASCRIPT OR ANYTHING?

No. It's all tables. I tried to make a button that picks for you but it didn't work on my mom's computer, so I took it out. The machine runs on YOU.

> TEST RUN

03-03-01: "Grandma's parakeet used it to line the hamster cage during a solar eclipse."

11-02-02: "Bigfoot mailed it to Canada because of Y2K testing."

20-19-15: "The cat lost it inside the couch while everybody watched Wheel of Fortune."

That last one might actually be true. I'm going to check the couch.

>> EXCUSES THAT ACTUALLY WORKED
(Both of these are 100% true. That's why they worked.)

#1. The Coloring Book (6th grade)
My little sister Lauren was four and she got into my backpack and used my book report on Hatchet as a coloring book. She colored every page. Purple, mostly. I didn't have time to redo it so I just turned it in like that, with a note. My teacher gave me two extra days and put it up on the bulletin board, because she said it was the most colorful book report she ever got. Lauren is seven now and she still asks about it.

#2. The Dog Actually Ate It (8th grade)
I know. I KNOW. Everybody says it and nobody believes it. But our dog Tank really did eat my math worksheet. Not all of it. He ate the middle. I brought in what was left, which was the top with my name on it and the bottom with problem 20, and my math teacher looked at it for a long time and then said, "I've been teaching for nineteen years and this is the first time." She let me redo it. Tank is fine. He's a Lab. Labs eat everything.

>> TEACHER RATINGS
My mom teaches 7th grade English. I asked her to grade ten combinations from the machine like she would if a real student turned them in. She took this VERY seriously. Her comments are exactly what she wrote.

02-05-10   A tornado buried it in the back yard during a thunderstorm.
GRADE: B. "The weather is consistent. I appreciate that. But tornadoes don't bury things, they un-bury them."

04-01-18   Our dog Tank ate it right after I finished it (I SWEAR).
GRADE: A-. "Tank has a history. This is believable. Points off for 'I SWEAR,' which is how I know you didn't."

07-02-08   Aliens mailed it to Canada for science.
GRADE: C. "Why Canada? Show your reasoning. Also, aliens would need postage."

01-11-09   My little sister traded it for a Pokemon card because it was jealous.
GRADE: B+. "Strong character motivation. Lauren would never trade for anything less than a holographic, though."

14-06-03   The neighbor's goat spilled grape juice on it while I was at church.
GRADE: D. "Our neighbors do not have a goat. I have lived on this street eleven years."

12-20-07   My science project recorded over it to prove a point.
GRADE: C+. "Your science project was a bean plant. I'd like to see the bean plant work the VCR. Your father can't."

19-16-11   A flock of geese carried it off into the woods on the way to the bus stop.
GRADE: B. "Vivid. Specific. I'd need the geese to come in and confirm it."

09-13-06   The washing machine sent it through the wash while I was in the shower.
GRADE: A. "This one happens. Check your pockets. I mean it. CHECK YOUR POCKETS."

17-19-15   A guy from the cable company lost it inside the couch while everybody watched Wheel of Fortune.
GRADE: C-. "Why was the cable man on our couch? Why were we all watching Wheel of Fortune with him? Too many questions."

11-12-02   Bigfoot turned it into confetti because of Y2K testing.
GRADE: F, with a smiley face. "This is my favorite one and it is still an F."

Mom's average: about a C+. She says that's "generous" and that if I put this much work into my actual homework I'd be in the gifted program.

>> OK, THE HONEST PART

So here's the thing. I built an excuse machine with 8,000 excuses, and I still can't use any of them, because my mom is a teacher. She has heard every single excuse there is. She has heard excuses that aren't even on here yet. When I walk in the door she can tell from my face if I have homework I'm not doing. She says teachers can smell it, like sharks.

So I do my homework now. Mostly. Like 90% of the time. The other 10% I just tell the truth, which is "I didn't do it," and it turns out that works better than Bigfoot. Teachers don't hear the truth that often so it kind of surprises them.

Use the machine for laughs. Then go do your homework. (My mom made me write that last part. But she's right. Don't tell her I said so.)