Mitchell 1.0 Owner's Manual

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Mitchell 1.0
OWNER'S MANUAL | Model MA-29 | Boise, Idaho

Congratulations on your new Mitchell! With proper care, your Mitchell will give you years of dependable friendship. Please read all safety warnings before operating. Keep this manual for future reference.

CONTENTS
1. Important Safety Warnings
2. Package Contents
3. Getting Started
4. Operating Modes
5. Care and Cleaning
6. Troubleshooting
7. Specifications
8. Limited Warranty

1. Important Safety Warnings

WARNING
1.1 Do not operate Mitchell before 7:00 a.m. without coffee. Unit may emit grunting sounds.

1.2 Do not ask Mitchell about the serial comma unless you have twenty minutes.

1.3 Mitchell is water-resistant, not waterproof. Tested to the full length of the Boise River float in July, inner tube included.

1.4 Never leave a misspelled sign unattended near Mitchell.

2. Package Contents

Your Mitchell package should contain:

(1) Mitchell, fully assembled, 29 years old
(1) pair hiking boots, broken in
(1) Chicago Manual of Style, 14th edition, heavily flagged
(1) red pen
(1) one-bedroom apartment in the North End (first ever, rented 1996, radiator knocks)
(1) unfinished novel, approx. 140 pages
(1) sister, Shauna (sold separately; lives in Spokane; calls on Sundays)

Note: Shauna is three years younger and has been better at telephone calls since birth.

If any items are missing, do not return Mitchell to the store. Contact Mitchell directly.

3. Getting Started

3.1 To turn Mitchell on, say hello.

3.2 In group settings Mitchell may take up to thirty seconds to warm up. This is normal. Do not press the button repeatedly.

3.3 Once warm, Mitchell may run longer than expected. See section 6.

4. Operating Modes

4.1 WORK mode (Monday–Friday, 8:00 a.m.–5:00 p.m.). Mitchell writes the manuals for a company that makes office printers. If you have ever opened a little door on a printer and found a drawing of where the paper goes, someone like Mitchell drew the arrow. He is proud of the arrows.

4.2 WEEKEND mode (activates automatically at 5:01 p.m. Friday). Mitchell may be found on a trail in the foothills above town or, on a long weekend, in the Sawtooths. Indicator: dust on boots. This is the mode Mitchell likes best. At the top of a ridge at sundown there is nothing to explain to anybody, and no arrow is required.

4.3 SUNDAY-NIGHT-BEFORE-A-DEADLINE mode. Indicator: every light in the apartment on. Mitchell will not answer the phone. Pizza is accepted as input.

5. Care and Cleaning

5.1 Mitchell performs best with weekly exposure to mountains.

5.2 Requires seven hours of sleep. Will claim six is enough. It is not.

5.3 After camping, rinse with soap and water. Do not put in dryer.

6. Troubleshooting

Problem	Cause	Solution
Mitchell does not respond.	Sunday-night mode (4.3).	Wait until Monday, 9:00 a.m.
Mitchell is explaining paper paths at a party.	Normal operation.	Mention hiking. He will switch over.
Mitchell is frowning at the menu.	The menu says "expresso."	Order for him. He will be fine.
Mitchell says he is writing a novel.	He is.	Ask about chapter six. Do not ask when it will be done.
Mitchell has not called his sister.	Low battery.	None needed. Shauna will call him. She always does.

7. Specifications

Model	Mitchell 1.0 (MA-29)
Manufactured	1970, Pocatello, Idaho
Height	6 ft 0 in (with boots)
Power	Coffee, 2 cups; trail mix
Operating range	20°F to 95°F. Outside this range, unit complains.
Output	Approx. 600 pages of documentation per year; 140 pages of novel since 1997
Compatible with	FrameMaker, Word 97, Windows 98, most dogs, all cats
Year 2000	Compliant. Has also bought extra batteries.

8. Limited Warranty

Mitchell is warranted to be free from defects in friendship for one (1) lifetime from the date you meet him. Under this warranty Mitchell will listen, help you move (one-bedroom or smaller), and proofread your résumé at no charge. This warranty does not cover puns, which are a feature.

Planned for version 2.0: a book with Mitchell's name on the spine and not one diagram in it.

For service, write to [email protected]. Typical response time: one evening.

Units shipped to date:

Document No. MA-29-0999 | Rev. 4 | Last updated September 8, 1999
© 1999 Mitchell Asbury. Printed in Boise, on recycled electrons.