GeoCities.us » Eureka » Workshop

Get your FREE home page!

THE RUSTY WRENCH AWARDS Honoring Excellence in Home Repair Gone Wrong, Since 1997 1999 Nominees · Past Winners (1997 & 1998) · Nominate Somebody

T H E   R U S T Y   W R E N C H PRESENTED EACH JANUARY TO THE DO-IT-YOURSELFER WHOSE REPAIR WENT MOST GLORIOUSLY WRONG AND HELD ANYWAY (MOSTLY) J. ULRICH, CHIEF JUDGE

Actual trophy: a 12-inch adjustable wrench I found in a crawl space in 1984,
mounted on a scrap of oak. It's been passed winner to winner by mail.

WELCOME I'm Joe Ulrich. For nineteen years I've inspected houses for buyers here in Cincinnati, Ohio, which means I've been in close to six thousand basements, attics and crawl spaces, and I have seen things done with a two-by-four and a can of spray foam that the people who made the two-by-four and the spray foam never imagined. Most of it is honest work by people doing the best they can on a Saturday. Some of it is magnificent. So in January of 1998 I started handing out the Rusty Wrenches, for the repairs of 1997 that went wrong in the most glorious ways, and I've done it every January since. Every category winner gets a certificate my wife Jewell letters by hand, and my sincere admiration. The best of the year, the Grand Rusty Wrench, also gets the wrench itself, to keep until next January. The rules: 1. Every nominee agreed to be nominated. Most of them nominated themselves. The rest were nominated by a husband, wife or brother-in-law and then signed off on it. 2. Nothing from an inspection ever goes on this page. What I see in a client's house stays between me and the client. 3. We laugh with people, never at them. Everybody on this page has done something I've done too, or worse. See my garage door, two-time winner, on the Past Winners page. 4. Anything involving electricity or gas ends with the same advice, every time, and I don't make jokes about that part. Winners for 1999 will be announced the second Saturday in January, at our kitchen table, by me, with Jewell breaking any ties. First names and states only.

MOST CREATIVE USE OF DUCT TAPE Before you nominate in this category, go read 1,000 Uses for Duct Tape, where Jerry, a millwright up in Flint, is working his way to a thousand. He's at 101. A couple of these nominees ought to be on his list. Martin, Kentucky. Patched a split garden hose, then the next split, then the next, over three summers, until by his own estimate the hose is now forty percent tape. It doesn't leak. It also doesn't bend. He waters the garden by walking the hose around like a tightrope pole. Ruth, Indiana. After the county snowplow took her mailbox off its post, she taped it back on. It has since survived two more snowplows. The post hasn't. The mailbox is now held up entirely by duct tape, on the remains of a post, in a snowbank, and the mail still comes. Dewey, Ohio. Repaired a torn window screen with duct tape on the inside "so it wouldn't show." Then the outside "so it would match." The screen is now about one-third screen. Flies have stopped trying.

SHELF MOST LIKELY TO FALL Teresa, Pennsylvania. A six-foot bookshelf, hung on the living room wall with two drywall screws, no anchors, and loaded with a complete set of encyclopedias, A through Z, plus the yearbooks. It is holding. It is holding the way a held breath holds. I have asked her to move the Z volume to the floor. She says the set has to stay together. Wilmer, West Virginia. Put up a garage shelf on brackets mounted upside down. The shelf slopes about an inch toward the car. Every paint can on it has slowly walked to the front edge, and they're all lined up there now, side by side, waiting. Janice, Illinois. A spice rack attached to the kitchen wall with a hot glue gun. It holds fine all winter. Every August, when the kitchen gets hot, it slides down about two inches. She has re-glued it four times. Each August it's a little lower. At this rate it reaches the counter in about ten years, and she says that's fine, she'll have counter space by then.

PROUDEST LEANING FENCE Susan, Michigan. Set her fence posts in plain dirt, no concrete, in a yard that's mostly clay. After one wet spring the whole fence leans toward the neighbors at about twelve degrees. The neighbors, who are lovely people, have planted morning glories along it. Susan says they're holding it up out of friendship. They are also holding it up. Robert, Tennessee. Built a perfectly level fence, with a level, checking every post, on a yard that slopes. The fence is level. The ground isn't. From the street the whole fence looks like it's running downhill to get away from the house. Frances, Kentucky. A sixty-foot picket fence where she cut each picket to match the one before it, instead of all of them to one measurement. Every picket is a hair longer than the last. By the far corner the fence is four inches taller than where it started. She calls it "the ramp."

PAINT JOB VISIBLE FROM SPACE Diana, Indiana. Painted her front door "Sunset Coral" from a one-inch color card. On the full door, in the full sun, it is a color that does not have a name. The mailman commented on it. Three separate people have used it to give directions. She likes it, and I'll be honest, I've driven by twice. Mindy, Ohio. Painted the front half of the house, ran out, went back for more, and the store couldn't match it. The house is now two colors, divided exactly at the downspout. She tells people it's on purpose. It's starting to look like it is. Desiree, Missouri. Rolled a bedroom ceiling with the ceiling fan running. She would like everyone to know that she now understands why you don't. So does the rest of the bedroom, her eyeglasses, and the top of her head.

THE BRIGHT IDEA AWARD (electrical) Barbara, Ohio, nominating her husband, with his permission. After he "fixed" the dining room light, the bathroom fan upstairs began coming on whenever anybody used the dining room light. They've lived with it since March. Dinner guests think the house is haunted. Joe's note: Barbara has since had a licensed electrician out to straighten it out, and that's what I'd tell anybody. If your wiring is doing anything you didn't expect, call a licensed electrician. Leonard, Iowa. Put up a porch light, and it works, and that's not why he's nominated. He's nominated because he mounted it upside down, so it lights up the porch ceiling beautifully and the steps not at all. The moths have never been happier. Joe's note: Leonard's hiring a licensed electrician to turn it right side up. Good man. Anything that means taking a fixture down, call a licensed electrician. Paula, Wisconsin. Bought a new light switch to replace the old one in the hall, read the instructions three times, looked at the old switch for a while, and decided she'd rather keep it. The new switch has been taped to the wall next to the old one since April, "for moral support." Her nomination letter said, "I didn't touch anything and I'm proud of it." So am I. Joe's note: Paula's the smartest nominee on this page. If you're not sure, don't. Call a licensed electrician.

THE DRIP AWARD (plumbing) James, Indiana. Put in a new kitchen faucet, and it doesn't leak a drop. But the hot comes out of the cold side and the cold out of the hot. The family has adapted. Guests get a warning, and a laminated card taped to the backsplash. Joan, Kentucky. Fixed her running toilet with a rubber band, a clothespin and a fishing bobber. That was three years ago. It hasn't run since. A plumber came out for something else in June, lifted the tank lid, looked at it for a long time, and put the lid back on without a word. Alex, North Carolina. Replaced the washer in a dripping bathtub faucet. The drip stopped. A new drip started in the shower head. When he fixed that one, the kitchen sink started. He has been chasing one drip around the house since February, and he's starting to think it's the same drip.

THE KNOW WHEN TO QUIT AWARD (new this year: for people who stopped in time) Kellie, Ohio. Pulled out her kitchen range to mop behind it, and when she pushed it back she smelled gas. She didn't hunt for it. She took the kids and the dog out of the house, walked next door and called the gas company from there. It was a loose connection, and they fixed it in twenty minutes. Joe's note: She did everything right. If you ever smell gas, get everybody out and call the gas company from outside the house. That's the whole lesson, and it's the only one on this page that isn't funny. Rhonda, Georgia. Got the extension ladder out to fix her own roof, leaned it on the gutter, climbed three rungs, looked up at the pitch, climbed back down and called a roofer. The ladder is still leaning on the house as a reminder. Her letter said, "I want the wrench for the three rungs." Laurence, Indiana. Bought a ceiling fan for the bedroom, opened the box, looked at the hundred and four parts, closed the box and put it in the closet, where it has been since Father's Day. He uses a box fan. He sleeps fine. Joe's note: When he does put it up, call a licensed electrician. He knows.

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT (no other nominees; there could be no other nominees) Hal, Ohio. My brother-in-law. For The Deck. Begun in the summer of 1986 and finished, by his count, in 1989, or by Jewell's count, never. Built from lumber left over from three other projects and one barn that was coming down anyway. It has eleven steps, and every one of them is a different height, so that you walk up it like a man with one shoe off. It has a railing that is best thought of as a suggestion. It has a built-in bench that faces the garage. It has hosted thirteen Fourth of July cookouts and two graduation parties, and nobody has ever gone through it. Every spring, as a family courtesy, I inspect The Deck at no charge. Every spring I find something, and every spring Hal fixes it by the Fourth. That's the real achievement. The Deck has never once been right, and it's never once been unsafe either, and Hal has kept it that way for thirteen years with a coffee can of mismatched screws and a lot of stubbornness. This award comes with a new set of stair stringers, which I've bought and he's agreed to let me help him cut. We start in October.

NOMINATE SOMEBODY Nominations for 1999 close December 31. Yourself is fine. Anybody else, ask them first. Tell me what happened, what state you're in, and how it's holding up. [email protected] Past Winners: 1997 and 1998 >> Visitors since January 1998: Last updated Friday, September 24, 1999 Nothing on this page is advice except the parts that say "call."