The Questions We Had That First Month
and the answers we found, slowly, one phone call at a time

The night the boys came, I sat at the kitchen table after everybody was asleep and wrote down every question I had on the back of a feed store calendar. There were nineteen of them. Here are the ones other grandparents ask us most, with what we found out. Remember, we're not lawyers or social workers. This is what was true for us in Tennessee. Check everything for your own state, with a lawyer or Legal Aid for the legal ones.

Skip down to our Grandparents Day, September 1999

Can we sign the boys up for school?
Not without some kind of paper, we found out, though the school was patient with us. They wanted proof we had the right to enroll them, plus birth certificates, shot records and a light bill to show we live in the district. We didn't have the birth certificates. You can order copies from the state where the child was born, for a small fee. It took us about three weeks.

Who can say yes to the doctor?
A parent, or somebody a court or a signed legal paper says can. Until we had temporary custody, Michele signed a consent form for us. After that, our custody papers did the job. Keep a copy at the doctor's office and the dentist's.

Do we really need a lawyer?
We'd say yes, at least to talk to once. We tried to do it all ourselves for the first two weeks and got nowhere. Legal Aid helped us at no charge. If you can't get Legal Aid, ask your state or county bar association whether they have lawyers who'll help grandparents for a reduced fee. Write your questions down before you go. Lawyers' time is money, even when it's not your money.

What's the difference between custody, guardianship and adoption?
I wrote about this on our front page. The short of it: custody and guardianship let you make decisions for the children while the parent keeps their rights, and adoption is permanent and ends the parent's rights. The names and the rules change from state to state, so ask.

Can Michele just come and take them back?
This was the one that kept me up nights. The answer depends on what papers you have and what the court has ordered. That's exactly the kind of question to take to your lawyer. In our case, the court decides when it's safe for the boys to go back to their mother, and we all have to follow what the judge says, including us.

Can we get any help with money?
Yes, for the children. Ask the welfare office about a child-only grant. Ask about Medicaid for the children (TennCare here). Ask the school about free lunch. I put more about all of it on our front page.

Can we claim them on our taxes?
Our tax lady said yes, in our case, because they lived with us all year and we supported them. Your situation may be different. Ask whoever does your taxes.

What do we tell the boys about their mama?
The truth, a little at a time, in words their size. A counselor helped us with this, and I'd recommend one to anybody. We told them their mama is sick, that it's a kind of sickness that makes it hard for her to take care of children, that the doctors are trying to help her, and that none of it is their fault. We tell them that last part over and over, because children think everything is their fault. And we never, ever say anything ugly about her in front of them.

Is it normal for them to act out?
Our counselor said yes. Austin had stomachaches every school morning for two months. Chad wet the bed and wouldn't let his blanket out of his sight. They've been through more than most grown-ups. Be patient, keep things regular, same supper time, same bedtime, same prayers, and get help if it doesn't ease up. It did ease up, for us. It took about a year.

Is it normal for US to feel this way?
Tired, angry, sad, guilty, scared, grateful, all before lunch? Yes. Every grandparent in our group has felt every one of those. Find somebody to talk to. That's what the group is for.

Who takes care of them if something happens to us?
This one is hard to think about, but think about it. We made out wills and wrote down who we'd want to raise the boys if we couldn't. The lawyer can explain how that works in your state. Lester's younger brother and his wife said yes. We pray they never have to.

Where do we even start?
Start with the doctor and the school, because those can't wait. Then call Legal Aid. Then call the welfare office about the children's benefits. Then find a support group, or write to the AARP Grandparent Information Center for a list of them. Then take a nap if you can get one.

Grandparents Day, Sunday, September 12, 1999

Grandparents Day comes the first Sunday after Labor Day, and this year it fell on the twelfth. In a house like ours it's a funny sort of holiday, because we're the grandparents and the parents both. Austin asked me last year if it meant he had to make two cards. I said one would do.

This year the boys made their cards at the kitchen table on Saturday night while I washed up, with a lot of whispering and "Don't LOOK, Grandma!" I didn't look. Much.

Chad's card was folded construction paper, green, with macaroni glued all the way around the edge and a drawing inside of a big yellow school bus with Grandpa driving it and me and both boys looking out the windows. There's a sun with a face on it. Inside it says, in his own spelling, which I'm putting here exactly because I don't ever want to forget it: "I LUV YOU GRAMMA AND GRANPA YOU ARE THE BEST BUS." Lester has decided this is the finest compliment he's ever been paid.

Austin's card was a list. He's nine and he likes lists. It said: "Ten Reasons You Are Good Grandparents." Number one was "You come to all my games." Number four was "Grandma makes the good pancakes." Number seven was "Grandpa taught me to fish even though the boat is gone." And number ten was "You let us live here." I had to go stand out on the back porch for a minute after I read that one. Lester came out and stood with me and didn't say anything, which is the right thing to say sometimes.

We went to church, and the preacher had all the grandparents stand up, and there were a lot more of us raising grandbabies in that room than there were five years ago. Then we had fried chicken and went to the lake, and Austin caught a bream off the bank and threw it back because "it has a grandma too." Michele called that evening and the boys told her all about it. It was a good day. Most of them are, now.

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Last updated Monday, September 20, 1999