Let's get this out of the way right up front: nobody tips cows. Nobody ever has. Not your cousin, not your cousin's roommate, not the fellow at the bar who says he did it six times in one night. It doesn't happen. It's a story people tell, and we'd like to set the record straight, and have a little fun doing it.

We're Ben and Marcia Jones. We milk sixty-two Holsteins on the farm Ben's dad bought in 1953, in northeast Iowa, not far from Decorah. Between the two of us, that's something like seventy years of getting up at 4:30 in the morning to go stand in a barn with cows, and in all that time neither one of us has ever seen a cow on her side that didn't put herself there on purpose.

Our daughter Kathleen set up this page for us after we told the same story at Thanksgiving three years running. This is that story, with a scoreboard.

The Legend

You've heard it. Late at night, somebody's older brother drives a carload out to a pasture. The cows are asleep standing up. You sneak up, give one a good push, and over she goes. Everybody runs back to the car laughing.

Every word of that is wrong except the part about the car.

Why Nobody Tips Cows

• She isn't asleep. A cow can doze on her feet for a little while, but when she really sleeps, she lies down. Ours spend about half the day lying down, chewing their cud. You can't tip over a cow that's already lying down. Believe me, we've watched people try to figure that out.
• She's big. A grown Holstein runs around fourteen hundred pounds, and some of ours are more. She's built wide and low with a leg at each corner. You would need more people pushing than you could ever sneak quietly across a pasture.
• She heard you. Cows are herd animals, and they notice anything new in their field. By the time you're over the fence, every cow out there has her head up and is looking right at you.
• She'll just walk off. Push on a cow and she'll take a step, give you a look, and go somewhere with better company.
• It's somebody's cow. And somebody's fence, and somebody's pasture. Farmers are nice people, but we're up early, and we don't like strangers in with the herd at night. Neither do the cows.

The Official Scoreboard
Maple Hollow Farm, as kept by Ben on the side of the milk house fridge

Stories We've Heard at the Co-op

"My uncle tipped one back in '71 and it rolled all the way down the hill."
Ben says: Cows don't roll. Neither does your uncle's story.

"You have to do it at exactly midnight, when they're in the deepest sleep."
Marcia says: At midnight ours are lying down in the free-stall barn, chewing and thinking about nothing much. See above.

"A guy at college tipped a whole herd, one after another, like dominoes."
Ben says: Our cows do stand close together. They'd also all turn around and stare at him, which is scarier than it sounds.

"It's easy, they're top-heavy."
Marcia says: Honey, have you seen a cow? Nothing about her is top-heavy.

Things You CAN Do With a Cow

• Watch her chew her cud. It's more relaxing than anything on TV.
• Scratch her behind the ears, if she knows you and she's in the mood.
• Walk through the dairy barn at your county fair and talk to the 4-H kids. They know more about cows than your cousin ever will.
• Drink a big glass of milk. Somebody got up at 4:30 for that.
• Come see us in June for Dairy Month. We open up the barn one Saturday, Marcia makes bars, and you can meet the herd in the daylight like a normal person.

Meet the Herd (none of whom have ever been tipped) >>