Every Other Weekend
a page for divorced dads, by one

My name is Ray Sundquist. I'm 39, I'm a lineman for a rural electric co-op in central Iowa, and I have been divorced since March of 1997. I have two kids, Hannah, who's 10, and Cody, who's 7. They live with their mom in Des Moines, and I've got an apartment about twenty minutes away. I get them every other weekend, Wednesday nights for supper, half the holidays and two weeks in the summer.

I'm writing this on a Sunday night, which is when I always work on this page. I drop the kids off at six, and the apartment gets real quiet, and this gives me something to do with my hands besides the TV remote. If you're a dad reading this on your own Sunday night, hello. I know.

How it went

We got married young and we both made mistakes, and I made some big ones. I'm not going to hash that out on the Internet, and I'm not going to run her down, because she's a good mom and my kids might read this someday. What I will tell you about is the first year after, because that's where I think I can help.

The first year was the worst of my life. I bought bunk beds at a garage sale and put them in the second bedroom and on the weeks the kids weren't there I'd walk past that room and shut the door. I ate a lot of supper standing up at the counter. I worked every bit of overtime they'd give me, partly for the money and partly so I didn't have to be home. The Sunday drop-offs I would sit in the truck in the parking lot of the Hy-Vee around the corner for a while before I could drive.

About eight months in, a buddy of mine on the crew who'd been through it said, "Ray, you need to talk to somebody." Our co-op has an employee assistance program where you can see a counselor a few times for free, and it's private. I'd have laughed at the idea three years ago. I went. It helped a lot. If you're in a dark place, please talk to somebody, a counselor, your doctor, your pastor, anybody. You're no good to your kids if you're not okay.

Things I Learned the Hard Way

1. Never talk bad about their mom in front of them. Not once, not even a sigh or an eye roll. They're half her. When you run her down they hear you running them down.
2. Don't make the kids the mailman. Money, schedules, arguments, that's between the grown-ups. Call her, write her, but don't send it home in a backpack.
3. Pay your support. On time. Every time. It's not for her, it's for Hannah and Cody's shoes and school pictures and dentist. If you're short some month, you're short on beer, not on them.
4. Don't be Disneyland Dad. My first year I did something big every single weekend. Pizza and the movies and the go-karts. I was broke and the kids were wound up and it wasn't real life. Now we do chores, we do homework, we go to the hardware store, we make supper. That's what dads do. Some weekends we're boring. It's good for them. It's good for me.
5. Make your place their home too. They each have a toothbrush here, pajamas here, a drawer here, a shelf here. Hannah picked the paint for their room (purple, Lord help me). It's not a hotel.
6. Be there when you say. If I say six, I'm there at quarter till. Kids of divorce spend a lot of time waiting by the window. Don't make them.
7. Stay in the rest of their life. Go to the conferences, the games, the Christmas program. Ask the school to send you report cards too. Unless a court has said otherwise, you're still their parent, and the school should treat you like one.
8. Call on the nights in between. Even if all you get is "fine" and "nothing" and "can I go now." Cody likes to tell me every single thing about Pokemon. I've learned a lot about Pokemon.
9. Take care of yourself. Eat a vegetable. See your own doctor. Get some sleep. Have a friend you can call.
10. It gets better. It honestly does. Year one I wouldn't have believed me either.

The Legal Stuff
I climb poles for a living. I'm not a lawyer. Every state is different, and this is just what I wish somebody had told me.

• Get your own lawyer. Don't share one with your ex to save money, even if things are friendly. Friendly can change.
• Ask about mediation. We did ours with a mediator for most of it, and it cost less and we fought less.
• Get the visitation schedule written down in detail. Which holidays, what time, who drives. Vague gets ugly later.
• Our county made both of us take a class for divorcing parents, about four hours on a Saturday. I went in mad. I came out glad. If yours offers one, go.
• If you lose your job or your pay drops, go back to court right away and ask to change your support. It doesn't change by itself just because your paycheck did, and the back support piles up. Don't just stop paying.
• Keep records. Every check, every schedule change. Not to fight with, just so nobody's confused.

Weekends Without Going Broke

My list of cheap and free stuff to do with kids on a dad weekend is up to 40 things now, most of them sent in by other dads. Read the list here, and send me yours.

Other Dads

You don't have to do this alone. Some places to look:

• Parents Without Partners has chapters all over. Moms and dads both, and they do family things on weekends too.
• A lot of churches have divorce recovery groups. Ours meets Tuesday nights and there are three other dads.
• Your employee assistance program at work, if you have one.
• Your kids' school counselor. Hannah's has been a big help with her, and with me.
• Other guys. Your buddies have been through it or know somebody who has. Ask.