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Every engagement of the Maple Court Yard Wars, from the first three pumpkins to the present day, taken from the calendar on our refrigerator, my notes on the back of grocery receipts, and Joe's memory, which is not reliable but is very detailed.
1996 · 1997 · 1998 · 1999
| 1996: THE PUMPKIN CAMPAIGN |
| SAT, OCT. 26 |
Opening position. Three jack-o'-lanterns on the Landreth steps: one happy, one scary, and one surprised (carved by Caroline, age 7). No hostile intent. |
| SUN, OCT. 27 |
Four jack-o'-lanterns observed on the Dufour steps. Doreen says four is traditional in her household. No record supports this. |
| MON, OCT. 28 |
Landreth position reinforced to six. Joe asks, "Is this a thing now?" |
| TUE, OCT. 29 |
Dufour position: nine. Leon seen loading pumpkins into his truck at the grocery store at nine p.m. By Wednesday morning the grocery store is out of pumpkins. |
| WED, OCT. 30 |
Lunch-hour supply run to a pumpkin patch out in the country. Eight pumpkins in the back of the station wagon. Carving at the kitchen table until one in the morning. Landreth position: fourteen. Joe, going up to bed at ten: "It's only a few pumpkins." (He is on a tombstone now. See 1998.) |
THU, OCT. 31
HALLOWEEN |
6:00 p.m., porch lights on. Dufour position: fifteen. The fifteenth carved in my likeness, glasses and all. The Jack-o'-Lantern Incident. Joe: "She got your nose." War declared at 6:04 p.m., in the middle of the cul-de-sac, by handshake. |
| FRI, NOV. 1 |
First coffee at Doreen's kitchen table. Both sides claim victory. No treaty. Doreen gives me the pumpkin with my face on it to keep, and it sits on our porch until the ninth. Joe took a picture of it. It's still on our refrigerator. |
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| 1997: THE FOG CAMPAIGN |
| SAT, SEPT. 20 |
Fog machine acquired at the party store, with one gallon of fog fluid. Hidden in the garage behind the Christmas boxes. |
| WED, OCT. 1 |
By unspoken agreement, both yards go up on the first. (This becomes Article 1 in November.) Dufours: cornstalks, hay bales, a scarecrow with Leon's old hat. Landreths: orange lights along the gutter and the porch rail. Nothing too alarming yet. Everybody is waiting. |
| SAT, OCT. 4 |
The Maple Court Junior Judging Panel is founded at Amanda's kitchen table. Four members. Amanda, age nine, writes the bylaws on notebook paper and makes copies for both sides. |
| SAT, OCT. 11 |
Fog machine field test in our garage, door down. Smoke alarm goes off. Entire cul-de-sac informed. Element of surprise lost. Doreen waves from her driveway. |
| SAT, OCT. 18 |
Dufour countermeasure: a cassette of spooky sounds playing out of her front window from four to nine every evening. The basement door creaking, the furnace, and Leon groaning. Joe tells Leon it's very relaxing. Leon is hurt. |
FRI, OCT. 31
HALLOWEEN |
Fog on at 6:00 p.m. It performs beautifully until 7:15, when the wind turns and carries every bit of it across the cul-de-sac into the Dufour yard, which looks wonderful. 7:30: the Panel rules that fog belongs to the yard that made it. Verdict: Landreth, 3 to 1. The Dufours appeal from the curb. Appeal denied. 8:10: Seth delivers a note from Doreen. It says, "Thanks for the fog." |
| SAT, NOV. 1 |
The Treaty of Maple Court is drafted on the back of a church bulletin at Doreen's kitchen table and signed by both parties. Joe and Leon witness. The fog clause takes forty-five minutes. |
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| 1998: THE GRAVEYARD CAMPAIGN |
| SAT, SEPT. 12 |
Tombstone production begins in our garage. Foam insulation board from the lumberyard, a steak knife I am no longer allowed to use in the kitchen, and gray house paint. Evenings and weekends for three weeks. |
| THU, OCT. 1 |
Decorating opens under Article 1. Thirteen tombstones planted in our front yard by six p.m. Eleven have epitaphs, one is blank for later, and the thirteenth says RESERVED. Doreen walks over, reads every stone, stands in front of the thirteenth for a while, and walks home without a word. A good day. |
| FRI, OCT. 9 |
The skeleton appears in a lawn chair on the Dufour porch with a bowl in its lap. At 5:52 p.m. I go out for the mail and it says, in Doreen's voice, "Have you seen the house with the green shutters? Her pumpkins are smaller." That night the blank tombstone gets its epitaph: HERE LIES A MOTION SENSOR. IT SAW TOO MUCH. |
| SAT, OCT. 17 |
Joe's mother visits from Topeka. The skeleton tells her to slow down, there are children and skeletons present. She has not stopped telling people about it. |
| SUN, OCT. 25 |
Jack-o'-lanterns may now be carved under Article 1. Landreths: twelve. Dufours: twelve. Nobody says anything. Nobody has to. |
SAT, OCT. 31
HALLOWEEN |
Caroline and Seth count trick-or-treaters for both yards together, on one sheet of paper: 167. The only joint operation of the war. 7:30 p.m.: the Panel deliberates on the curb for forty minutes with a bag of candy corn. Verdict: a tie, 2 to 2, with Charles, age five, abstaining because he was dressed as a fireman and had to go to bed. |
| SUN, NOV. 1 |
Coffee at Doreen's. Article 7 is added: anything with a motion sensor faces away from the other party's mailbox. In return I agree to stop checking the mail five times a day "just to see what it says now." |
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| 1999: OPERATION SQUASH |
| SEPTEMBER |
Intelligence gathering. See the Intelligence Reports. The coat rack under the bedsheet remains unidentified. |
| SAT, SEPT. 25 |
Thirty pumpkins ordered. This page updated. Morale high. |
| FRI, OCT. 1 |
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (classified) |
| MON, OCT. 25 |
Carving opens. XXXXXXXXXX |
SUN, OCT. 31
H-HOUR |
6:00 p.m. You'll read about it here. |
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Last updated Saturday, September 25, 1999
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