Reel Me

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A DESMOND CLAY PRODUCTION
REEL ME
Running time: about four minutes. No intermission.

OPENING CREDITS

Starring DESMOND CLAY as Himself
Filmed on location in Chicago, Illinois
Catering by the Concession Stand
Hair and Makeup: None Whatsoever
Written, Directed, Edited and Projected by Desmond Clay

RATED PG-13 for mild language, a brief scene of
film nerdery, and one extended popcorn sequence.

FADE IN.
INT. PROJECTION BOOTH — NIGHT.
A 24-year-old man in a Cubs cap sits between two very large, very old 35mm projectors, eating popcorn out of a bucket. He waits for a little dot to flash in the upper right corner of the screen. It flashes. He waits for the second one. He switches projectors. Nobody in the audience notices. That is the whole point.

That's me. I'm Desmond. I run the booth at a single-screen movie house on the North Side, built in 1926, 600 seats, one reliable bathroom. We still do changeovers the old way, two machines, a switch every twenty minutes or so, and I'm one of the last guys in town under fifty who knows how. I plan to put that on my tombstone. It'll be the only tombstone with a reel change in it.

MONTAGE: THE EARLY YEARS
(cue inspirational 80s synthesizer music)

1979	Age 4. Taken to The Muppet Movie. Refuses to leave the theater. Has to be carried out, still waving at the screen.
1982	E.T. Cries so hard an usher brings extra napkins. Future career foreshadowed.
1984	Builds a proton pack out of a vacuum cleaner. Mother does not share his vision.
1987	Family gets a VCR. Wears a rented copy of Raiders down to static. Pays the late fee out of his allowance.
1989	Sees Lawrence of Arabia restored in 70mm. Has to sit down afterward, despite already sitting down.
1993	First job: tearing tickets at the theater. Sweeps up a summer's worth of Jurassic Park popcorn.
1995	Old projectionist Sal lets him into the booth. Never leaves.

MY TOP TEN (A COUNTDOWN)

10.	*The Blues Brothers* (1980). They drove a car through an actual shopping mall. In Illinois. Civic pride.
9.	*Groundhog Day* (1993). Shot in Woodstock, Illinois, an hour up the road. I've seen it eleven times, which feels about right.
8.	*Jaws* (1975). The mechanical shark kept breaking, so they barely show it, and it's scarier for it. Lesson for life.
7.	*Hoop Dreams* (1994). Two kids from Chicago, nearly three hours, more suspense than any thriller I've ever threaded.
6.	*Raiders of the Lost Ark* (1981). The reason I own a fedora. I don't wear it. I just own it.
5.	*Do the Right Thing* (1989). The hottest day of the year on one Brooklyn block. Still the truest movie about a neighborhood I know.
4.	*Singin' in the Rain* (1952). A movie about the movies learning to talk. Also the happiest anyone has ever been in bad weather.
3.	*The Third Man* (1949). Zither music, crooked shadows, and Orson Welles showing up late and stealing the whole picture.
2.	*Lawrence of Arabia* (1962). See 1989, above. I'm still sitting down.
1.	*Casablanca* (1942). The best love story ever made ends with somebody getting on a plane. I've made my peace with it. Mostly.

NOW PLAYING
The Sixth Sense, since August. I have watched it roughly forty times and people still grab my arm in the lobby and beg me not to spoil it. Relax. I'm a professional. Your secret's safe in the booth.

DELETED SCENES
(available only on this special edition web page)

Scene 1. I have never seen The Godfather all the way through. I know. I know.

Scene 2. In 1998 I ran two reels of Titanic out of order at a Tuesday matinee. For about twenty minutes the ship sank and then un-sank. Nobody asked for a refund. One lady said she liked my version better.

Scene 3. I cried at Babe. The pig movie. Twice.

Scene 4. I saw The Blair Witch Project in July and I have slept with the hall light on since. I am 24 years old and I work alone in a dark room.

Scene 5. My mother still tells people I'm an usher.

THE END

CLOSING CREDITS

HTML Consultant: my roommate Luis
Key Grip: also Luis
Best Boy: Luis wants you to know he is the Best Boy

No animals were harmed in the making of this web page.
One mouse was clicked repeatedly.

Fan mail, top ten arguments, and your own deleted scenes:

Stayed through the credits? You get the bonus scene.
You are ticket holder number

Please exit to the left. Watch your step.