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What Helped Me (and a Few Things That Didn't)
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These are only my own experiences. I'm not a lawyer or an accountant or a counselor, just a widow who has been through one year of it. Please check anything about money or benefits with the people who handle them.

The paperwork, which nobody warns you about

  • Get plenty of copies of the death certificate. I ordered five and needed eleven. The bank, the insurance company, the pension, the car title and more all wanted their own certified copy.
  • Social Security. The funeral home let them know for me, but I still had to go down to the office with my papers. A surviving spouse may be able to get survivor benefits, and there's a one-time payment of $255, which made me laugh and cry at the same time. Ask them what applies to you. Everyone's situation is different.
  • If he was a veteran, ask the funeral director about veterans' burial benefits. Hal served in the Army in the fifties, and he got his flag and his marker. The flag is in a case on the mantel.
  • Find out where everything is before you need it, if you're still able to. I wish Hal and I had sat down with the shoebox together.
  • Don't make big decisions the first year if you can help it. Everybody told me that and they were right. I was ready to sell the house in November. I'm very glad I didn't.
  • Be careful who you trust with money. Two different men called me that winter offering to "help me with my investments." My son-in-law says that happens to a lot of new widows. Talk to someone you already know and trust.

Taking care of yourself

  • See your own doctor. I lost fourteen pounds and didn't sleep through the night until March. Grief is hard on the body. Tell your doctor if you can't eat or sleep, or if you ever feel like there's no reason to go on. There's no shame in it.
  • Find a grief group. Mine was through the hospice that helped us with Hal's mother years ago, and they welcome anybody. Churches and funeral homes often know of groups too. AARP has a Widowed Persons Service in many areas.
  • Get out of the house once a day, even if it's only to the mailbox or the grocery store.
  • Let people help. I was too proud at first. The boy next door taught me better.

What people said

This helped This didn't
"I remember when Hal fixed my porch step." Say his name. Tell me a story. I want to hear it. "He's in a better place." I believe it, but I wanted him in this place.
"I'm bringing soup on Tuesday." And then bringing it. "Call me if you need anything." I never once called. I didn't know what I needed.
A card in March, when everyone else had stopped remembering. "At least you had thirty-eight years." I know. That's why it hurts.
Just sitting with me and not saying anything at all. "You should be doing better by now." There is no schedule.

Books on my nightstand

  • A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. Short and honest. He was angry too.
  • Widow by Lynn Caine. A lady in my group lent me her copy from the seventies with her own notes in the margins.

Write to me any time: [email protected]
Last updated Tuesday, September 21, 1999 · Back to Hal's Tomatoes