|
For twenty-nine years I appraised wrecked automobiles for an insurance company here in Toledo. A man in that line of work spends most of his life looking at the back ends of cars. In April of 1974 I started reading them.
Here's how it began. On Tuesday, April 9, 1974, I was sitting at a red light on my way to look at a crumpled fender. In front of me was a '68 Rambler with one sticker on the bumper. The gas lines had only just let up that spring, and the sticker said:
| I'VE GOT A FULL TANK AND I'M NOT SAYING WHERE I GOT IT |
I laughed out loud, alone, in a company car. At the body shop I wrote it on the back of an estimate form so I wouldn't lose it, and that night I bought a spiral notebook at the drugstore and copied it in on page one. Every January since, I've bought another one, same kind, green cover if they have it. They live in a shoebox in the hall closet. Twenty-five years, twenty-six notebooks. An appraiser counts both ends.
I retired in June of last year. My wife, Joanna, said I would need a hobby. I told her I'd had one since 1974. She said a hobby you only do at red lights doesn't count. So I bought a book about home pages at the library sale and spent February typing. What follows is the best of the twenty-six notebooks, sorted the way an appraiser sorts anything: by what it is, and then by what it was on.
MY RULES
I saw it with my own eyes, on a bumper, on a car I can name. Stickers on the rack at the truck stop don't count. A sticker isn't a sticker until somebody's willing to drive around town with it. Read at a red light or a stop sign, never at speed. I have followed a car to finish a sticker exactly once (see The One I Followed), and I am not proud of it. If I'm driving, Joanna writes. She has held the pencil since 1974 and has refused to write down four stickers in that time. Those four are not in the notebooks and they are not on this page. Nothing I wouldn't read out loud to my mother. She's eighty-three and she reads this page at my sister's house, so that rule is not a figure of speech. Each sticker goes in once. If I see it again on another car, it gets a check mark beside the first entry, not a new line. The record is fourteen check marks, which tells you that sticker was for sale at every gas station in Ohio. It isn't on this page. Fourteen people beat me to it. Year, make and model, or it didn't happen. I spent twenty-nine years telling one model year from the next by the taillights. I'm not going to get lazy about it now that I'm retired.
THE ROAD
Gas, speed limits, weather and other people's driving. The oldest part of the collection.
| I'M DOING 55. YOU CAN GO AROUND OR YOU CAN LEARN PATIENCE. |
on a '73 Dodge Dart, Toledo, 1975. The national limit was new, and so was the patience.
|
| THIS CAR HAS A CB RADIO AND NOBODY TO TALK TO |
on a '76 Ford Torino, Toledo, 1977. That was the year every car in Ohio grew an antenna.
|
| BLIZZARD OF '78: I DUG OUT. THE CAR IS STILL THINKING ABOUT IT. |
on a '71 Ford Maverick, Toledo, 1978. Seen in February. I'd guess the car was still thinking about it in April.
|
| MY PLATE IS ODD. MY HUSBAND SAYS SO IS THE DRIVER. |
on a '76 Chevy Malibu with out-of-state plates, Toledo, 1979. That summer some states sold gas on odd and even days, by the last number on your license plate. She had driven in from one of them.
|
| CHURCH POTLUCK: CASSEROLE ON BOARD. NO SUDDEN STOPS. |
on an '81 Buick Century, Toledo, 1984. I gave her plenty of room.
|
| THIS CAR STOPS AT YELLOW LIGHTS. PLAN ACCORDINGLY. |
on an '88 Volvo 240 wagon, Toledo, 1990. My kind of man. I sat behind him through two yellows and never minded.
|
| THE TURN SIGNAL IS NOT A RUMOR |
on a '92 Toyota Camry, Toledo, 1996. And he used his, all the way into the bank lot. Practice what you stick.
|
POLITICS
I don't write down the ones that tell you who to vote for. Those are advertisements. These are from people who had something to say about the whole business.
| WHOEVER WINS, I STILL HAVE TO MOW THE LAWN |
on a '76 Dodge Aspen wagon, Toledo, 1980. Correct, then and now.
|
| NO FLYERS UNDER MY WIPER. I'VE ALREADY DECIDED. |
on an '82 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera, Sylvania, 1984. There was a flyer under his wiper.
|
| I'M UNDECIDED AND I'M STICKING TO IT |
on an '85 Chevy Celebrity, Toledo, 1988.
|
| THE CANDIDATES ARE ON TV. I'M ON MY WAY TO WORK. |
on an '89 Ford Tempo, Toledo, 1992.
|
| MY VOTE IS SECRET. MY WIFE KNOWS ANYWAY. |
on a '93 Buick Century, Maumee, 1996. Joanna wrote this one down without being asked.
|
HONOR STUDENTS AND THEIR PARENTS
From about 1985 on, every third car in Lucas County was telling me about somebody's child. Most of those are the same sticker with a different school's name on it. These are the ones that weren't.
| MY DAUGHTER IS SMARTER THAN ME AND SHE WANTS IT ON THE CAR |
on a '79 Chevy Malibu, Toledo, 1982. Hand-lettered, in very straight capitals. I'd guess by the daughter.
|
| PROUD PARENT OF A FOURTH GRADER WHO BROUGHT HOME BOTH MITTENS |
on an '84 Chevy Citation, Maumee, 1986. Seen in January. A real accomplishment.
|
| OUR SON WAS STUDENT OF THE MONTH IN MARCH. WE DON'T TALK ABOUT APRIL. |
on an '86 Pontiac 6000, Toledo, 1990. Seen in May, so they'd had time to think it over.
|
| MY CHILD SPELLED RHINOCEROS IN THE THIRD ROUND AND I CRIED |
on an '88 Ford Taurus wagon, Perrysburg, 1991. I checked my own spelling twice writing it down.
|
| MY KID MADE THE HONOR ROLL. I MADE THE CAR PAYMENT. WE'RE BOTH TIRED. |
on a '90 Plymouth Voyager, Toledo, 1993.
|
| HONOR STUDENT'S GRANDMA. YOU'LL HEAR ABOUT IT. |
on a '78 Buick LeSabre, Toledo, 1994. Sixteen years old and not a spot of rust on her. The car, I mean. I couldn't see Grandma.
|
PETS
| I STOP FOR TURTLES. NOT FOR TAILGATERS. |
on a '75 Ford Granada, Perrysburg, 1977.
|
| THE DOG IS IN CHARGE OF THIS VEHICLE. I JUST DRIVE. |
on a '78 Ford Country Squire, Toledo, 1981. The dog was in the way-back, looking at me. He agreed with it.
|
| MY PARAKEET KNOWS MORE WORDS THAN MY HUSBAND USES |
on an '80 Chevy Citation, Toledo, 1983. Joanna wrote it down and underlined it. I have never asked her why.
|
| CAT ON BOARD. HE IS NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT EITHER. |
on a '91 Saturn SL2, Toledo, 1994. I could hear him at the light with both our windows up.
|
| MY BEAGLE THINKS YOU'RE SUSPICIOUS |
on a '93 Ford Explorer, Sylvania, 1995. The beagle was in the back window, watching me write. He had a point.
|
FISHING
This is a lake town. It shows on the bumpers.
| THE FISH WAS THIS LONG. THE STICKER ISN'T. |
on a '77 Chevy C10 pulling a boat, Toledo, 1983. The sticker was about three inches wide. Draw your own conclusions.
|
| THIS TRUCK SMELLS LIKE NIGHTCRAWLERS AND I'M NOT SORRY |
on an '80 Ford F-150, Oregon, Ohio, 1986. My window was down. I believed him.
|
| GONE TO THE LAKE. BACK WHEN THE PERCH SAY SO. |
on an '85 Ford Ranger, Toledo, 1988. Lake Erie, he meant. Around here there's only the one.
|
| I'D EXPLAIN THE WALLEYE BUT YOU HAD TO BE THERE |
on an '89 Jeep Cherokee, Maumee, 1990. Seen in April, during the walleye run, when half the men in Toledo are standing in the Maumee River in waders. Waders in the back of this one, still wet.
|
MINIVANS
The minivan came along in 1984 and gave the American family a great deal of bumper to fill.
| I USED TO HAVE A SPORTS CAR. NOW I HAVE CUP HOLDERS. |
on an '87 Dodge Caravan, Toledo, 1990. He looked content. Most men with cup holders do.
|
| CAUTION: DRIVER IS SINGING ALONG TO A CHILDREN'S TAPE AGAINST HIS WILL |
on an '89 Plymouth Voyager, Toledo, 1991. I could see his mouth moving in the mirror. He knew every word.
|
| THIS VAN HAS SEEN THINGS. MOSTLY JUICE BOXES. |
on a '92 Chevy Lumina APV, Toledo, 1995. Speaking as an appraiser: true of every minivan I ever looked at. You find them under the seats.
|
| THE THIRD ROW IS NOT SPEAKING TO THE SECOND ROW |
on a '94 Mercury Villager, Toledo, 1997.
|
| SOCCER. SCOUTS. PIANO. REPEAT. |
on a '96 Ford Windstar, Sylvania, 1998. Thirty-one thousand miles on a two-year-old van, I'd estimate. All of them within five miles of home.
|
COMPUTERS
Nothing at all on this subject before about 1985. Then a flood.
| MY KID FIXED THE COMPUTER. NOW I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING. |
on a '91 Buick Regal, Toledo, 1995.
|
| HONK IF YOU'VE BEEN ON HOLD WITH TECH SUPPORT TODAY |
on a '94 Ford Aerostar, Toledo, 1996. I didn't honk. I had been on hold that morning, though.
|
| THIS DRIVER HAS 32 MEGS OF MEMORY AND CAN'T FIND HIS KEYS |
on a '95 Saturn SL1, Toledo, 1997. Evidently he found them.
|
| DIAL-UP DRIVER: I GO SLOW AND MAKE STRANGE NOISES |
on an '86 Buick LeSabre, Toledo, 1998. The car did both.
|
Y2K
All 1998 and 1999, naturally. More of these in The 1999 Notebook.
| THE WORLD ENDS AT MIDNIGHT. I'M STILL MAKING PAYMENTS. |
on a '98 Chevy Lumina, Toledo, 1998. Dealer's frame on the plate. He's going to be disappointed on New Year's Day, one way or the other.
|
| I'M NOT STOCKING UP FOR Y2K. I JUST LIKE SOUP. |
on a '97 Ford Taurus, Toledo, 1999.
|
| NO COMPUTER UNDER THIS HOOD. Y2K, DO YOUR WORST. |
on a '66 Ford Falcon, Toledo, 1999. The newest entry in all twenty-six notebooks, as of this writing.
|
MY OTHER CAR
You know the old one, about what the other car is. I stopped writing that one down in 1975. These people at least worked at it.
| MY OTHER CAR ALSO NEEDS A MUFFLER |
on a '72 Chevy Vega, Toledo, 1977. I heard this one before I read it.
|
| MY OTHER CAR IS A RIDING MOWER, AND IT STARTS |
on a '75 AMC Pacer, Toledo, 1978.
|
| MY OTHER CAR IS ON BLOCKS IN THE SIDE YARD |
on a '73 AMC Gremlin, Toledo, 1979. I believe I appraised the one on blocks, in 1977.
|
| MY OTHER CAR IS ALSO A PINTO. I DON'T LEARN. |
on a '79 Pinto, Toledo, 1981. Honesty is rare on a bumper. I gave this one a gold star in the margin.
|
| MY OTHER CAR IS THE ONE MY SON BORROWED IN 1984 |
on a '79 Buick Electra, Toledo, 1987.
|
TOLEDO
| THIS JEEP WAS BUILT IN TOLEDO AND SO WAS I |
on a '79 Jeep CJ-5, Toledo, 1980. Both of them looked well put together.
|
| I'M FROM TOLEDO. YES, ON PURPOSE. |
on an '87 Ford Escort, Columbus, 1989. Seen on a trip to visit our daughter. I wanted to honk. I didn't. Rule 2 is about reading, but it covers honking in spirit.
|
THE ONE I FOLLOWED
Summer of 1983. A '78 Plymouth Volaré in front of me at a light on Route 2 with a long sticker in very small type, two lines, and the light turned green before I got past the first word. I was alone and had nowhere to be, and I followed that Volaré three miles east, one car length back, at a speed I won't put in writing. At the next light I pulled up close and read the whole thing.
It was the name of a car dealer in a town I've never been to.
I have never told Joanna about this. She reads the page, so I suppose I just did.
THE ONES THAT GOT AWAY
The light changed. I kept to the rules.
| IF YOU THINK THIS CAR IS UGLY, YOU SHOULD SEE . . . |
on a '75 AMC Pacer, Toledo, 1980. I have thought about it for nineteen years.
|
| THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING A GRANDPARENT IS . . . |
on an '84 Buick Electra Park Avenue, Toledo, 1986. She turned left. I'll never know. We have three grandchildren now and I have some guesses.
|
| WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO BE . . . |
on a '90 Geo Prizm, Toledo, 1993. The driver was seventy if he was a day. I hope it worked out for him.
|
BY THE NUMBERS
Once an appraiser.
| Notebooks | 26 (No. 26 in progress) |
| Stickers written down, April 1974 through August 1999 | 1,874 |
| Most in one year | 141, in 1976. The Bicentennial. Everybody had something to say. |
| Fewest in one year | 38, in 1985, when half of Toledo hung a yellow diamond sign in the back window instead. I don't count window signs. |
| Most stickers on one car | 31, on a '74 Volkswagen bus, 1977. Two went in the notebook. Bumper condition: could not be determined. |
| Make with the most entries | Ford, by a nose. There are a lot of Fords in Toledo. |
| Stickers Joanna refused to write down | 4 |
| Times I've been honked at for finishing a sentence after the light turned green | 212. I keep the tally on the inside back cover. Every honk earned. |
If you've ever wondered what's holding up the bumper under some of these stickers, a millwright in Flint is counting his way to 1,000 Uses for Duct Tape. I appraised more than a few of his uses over the years. I always wrote "temporary" on the form.
You are visitor number
   
since February 1999.
Seen a good one? Send me the sticker, the car (year, make, model) and the town.
If you saw it with your own eyes, I'll believe you.
 [email protected]
Last updated Thursday, September 2, 1999
Back to MotorCity
|
GeoCities.us
» MotorCity » Assembly
A Bumper Sticker Notebook, 1974-1999