A WORD FROM THE PRESIDENT

Howdy, and welcome. I'm George Hibbitts, I play bass in a Friday-night band called The Back Forty, and I have worn my hair short on top and long in the back since the spring of 1984. I've been laughed at, I've been hollered at from pickup trucks, and I have been asked to "just let the barber clean up the back" more times than I can count. I have always said no, politely.

This past April we were loading out after a show at the VFW in Smyrna, and our drummer Sandra looked at the four of us in the parking lot under the light and said, "Y'all realize every single one of us has the same haircut?" We did not realize it. But we were proud. By the time we got the amps in the truck, we had a Society.

We are not here to argue with anybody. We're here to appreciate a haircut that's practical, that keeps your neck warm in January and the sun off it in July, and that has never once asked anything of anybody. If you've got one, you're family. If you used to have one, you're family too. If you're thinking about getting one, come on in.

THE STYLES
as recognized by the Society

The Classic. Short and neat on top and on the sides, over the collar in back. You can go to church in it and you can go to a tractor pull in it. Most of our members wear the Classic.

The Sunday Best. A careful, respectable Classic that just barely touches the collar. Popular with members who work at a bank or have a mother-in-law.

The Soft Rock. A little extra height and feathering on top. Requires a blow dryer and a round brush and some patience.

The Bass Player. The back is long enough to tuck in your shirt collar when you have a job interview. Mine is this one. I have tucked it exactly twice.

The Tailgate. Long. Proud. Waves when you drive with the window down.

The Tennessee Waterfall. The longest there is. The back comes down over the shoulder blades. Only one member has achieved it (see the roster).

The Ladies' Layered Look. Short and layered up top with long layers in back. Sandra points out that half the girls in her high school yearbook had this in 1986, and they looked great.

THE ROSTER

Measurements taken by Sandra with a sewing tape at the Labor Day cookout, from the bottom of the collar to the tip. My wife Elizabeth has declined to join. She says she married one mullet and that is her limit.

MULLET OF THE MONTH: SEPTEMBER

Dana, of Tullahoma, who is fifty-one years old, drives a school bus, and has not had the back trimmed since the Bicentennial. Eleven inches. The only certified Tennessee Waterfall in the Society. When the kids on his route are good all week, he lets them guess the length on Friday. He says nobody has ever guessed high enough.

Photo coming as soon as Rick's cousin gets the film back from the drugstore.

CARE AND FEEDING
tips from twenty-five years of combined experience, give or take

1. Trim the top every four weeks. Leave the back alone. This is the whole secret. Tell the barber twice.
2. Find one barber and stay loyal. Mine is a man named Charles on Church Street who has cut my hair since 1985 and has not once touched the back without asking.
3. Condition the back. The back does more living than the top. It's out in the weather.
4. A ball cap is your best friend. Hat on, the mullet looks twice as long. Hat off, it's a surprise.
5. Mind your collar. Button-downs are for weddings and funerals. Otherwise, go with a T-shirt or a pearl snap and let it breathe.
6. Don't let anybody talk you into "just cleaning it up." That's how it starts.

SOCIETY BYLAWS
adopted in the VFW parking lot, April 1999, by a vote of four to nothing

1. The back must touch the collar. Probationary members have six months to get there.
2. No member shall make fun of another member's mullet, except at band practice.
3. Any member who cuts theirs off keeps a retired jersey and full honors. Life happens. We understand. (We miss you, Tammie.)
4. Meetings are held after the last set on the first Friday of the month, wherever The Back Forty is playing.
5. Dues are one pitcher of sweet tea for the table.
6. The Society does not make fun of anybody else's haircut, either. Flattops, buzz cuts, ponytails, perms, whatever you've got. We're all just trying to get through the week.