Readers' Contributions
sent in to the Spoonerism Parlor, and graded with love
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When my granddaughter first put this parlor up, she told me that people would write to me from all over. I didn't believe her. I was wrong, and I've been delighted to be wrong. Here are the best of what's come in since last October, each with the first name and town of the person who sent it, and the circumstances, where they told me.
I'm afraid I've graded them. Forty years is a long habit. The scale is the one from my house rules: an A for two real words and a picture, a B for one real word, and pluses and minuses as the spirit moves me. Nobody fails. Nobody has ever failed in my parlor, and nobody ever will.
We'll meet you out in the larking pot.
properly: we'll meet you out in the parking lot
Faith, Cranston. A former student of mine, class of 1971, who says she still can't park the car without thinking of it.
Grade: A. Two real words, and larking about in a parking lot is precisely what my students did between the buses. Faith, I'd know your handwriting anywhere.
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I'm in the hog douse again.
properly: I'm in the doghouse again
William, Pawtucket. About himself, the week after he forgot his anniversary.
Grade: A. A doused hog is a hog that's been hosed off, and a husband in the doghouse feels very much the same. I hope she's forgiven you, William. Flowers help.
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The grandchildren are out in the band socks.
properly: the grandchildren are out in the sandbox
Martha, Warwick.
Grade: A. "Box" and "socks" don't look alike at all, but they sound alike at the end, and sound is the whole of the law. Band socks are the ones with the stripes at the top, and I'd like a pair.
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We brought back a box of Walt Salter taffy.
properly: we brought back a box of salt water taffy
Leona, Newport. From a postcard home, she says, in about 1960.
Grade: A. A whole gentleman, first and last name, out of a box of candy! I've never had a person come out of one of mine. Mr. Walt Salter, wherever you are, you should be very proud.
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Let's have lunch at the sham clack.
properly: let's have lunch at the clam shack
Mitchell, Fall River, Massachusetts.
Grade: A-minus. Two real words, though the picture is a little muddy: a sham clack, I suppose, is a rattle that only pretends to rattle. I'd still eat there.
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Hearty pats for everybody!
properly: party hats for everybody!
Marie, Woonsocket. Announced at her grandson's fifth birthday party, in front of fourteen children.
Grade: A. And exactly what five-year-olds need, more than hats. One of the nicest in the parlor.
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Have your change ready for the bowl tooth.
properly: have your change ready for the toll booth
Milton, Bristol.
Grade: B-plus. Two real words, but I can't quite get a picture, unless a bowl tooth is the sore one you get from too much chowder. That's a stretch, and I knew it when I wrote it.
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My wife calls me the wish dasher.
properly: my wife calls me the dishwasher
Dennis, Hartford, Connecticut. He says she calls him the wish dasher because he does all the dishes by hand and won't hear of buying a machine.
Grade: A. Two real words and a whole marriage in a nutshell. Dennis, buy the dishwasher.
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Don't forget your bow snoots.
properly: don't forget your snow boots
David, East Greenwich.
Grade: A-minus. The bow snoots are the passengers who stand at the very front of the ferry to Block Island so everybody can see them. Every crossing has a few.
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Hand me a piper din.
properly: hand me a diaper pin
Karla, Johnston. A grandmother of seven, who says she has heard a good deal of din over a changing table.
Grade: A. A piper's din is a wonderful noise, the noise of a parade, and of a nursery, too.
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Somebody save that rift gap for next year.
properly: somebody save that gift wrap for next year
Roger, Westerly. On Christmas morning, from his mother, who saved every scrap.
Grade: B-plus. Both real words, but they mean nearly the same thing, which is clever, and a little sad for a present. My mother saved gift wrap too, ironed.
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I'll see you after brunch lake.
properly: I'll see you after lunch break
Eugene, Worcester, Massachusetts.
Grade: A. A brunch lake is the pool of syrup that forms on a plate when nobody's watching the pitcher. I have made several.
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We were right in the middle of a guard came.
properly: we were right in the middle of a card game
Willie, Providence. Said on the telephone, he tells me, to explain why he hadn't answered it.
Grade: B. I had to say it three times before I heard it, which costs a grade. But once you hear it, there he is, the guard, coming in on the gin rummy, and nobody hides the cards fast enough.
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Look at the bug tote pushing that barge.
properly: look at the tugboat pushing that barge
Olen, Tiverton.
Grade: A-minus. A bug tote is what my grandnephew carries his beetles around in, all summer, to show company. I'm keeping this one for him.
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The city finally sent the plow snow.
properly: the city finally sent the snowplow
Betty, Smithfield. Who points out that it still makes perfect sense, which it does.
Grade: B-plus. Betty, this is the same little cheat as my bean greens: the words have only turned around. I gave myself a B-plus for that, so in fairness you get the same, and in further fairness I'll admit I laughed out loud.
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The report card
Fifteen contributions on this page. A: 8. A-minus: 3. B-plus: 3. B: 1. Nobody below a B, which is more than I could say for any class I ever taught, and I loved them all anyway.
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A few have come in that I haven't posted, because they didn't pass House Rule Number Four. Their senders know who they are. I've written back to each of them, kindly, with a suggestion for something cleaner, and two of them have since sent me very good ones. That's what teaching is.
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Last updated Sunday, August 29, 1999
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