The Apartment 3B Visitor Log

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THE APARTMENT 3B
VISITOR LOG
Official record of every distinguished guest since opening day

Every visitor to Apartment 3B is asked to sign the guest book, which is a spiral notebook on the kitchen counter next to the Hall of Mismatched Mugs. Here it is, typed up exactly as written, with notes from the Bureau. Guest ratings are out of five stars and were given by the guests themselves.

Tuesday, June 1, 1999 · Opening Day

Visitor: Sheila Moyer (Mom)
Traveling from: home, about an hour away
Length of stay: 9 hours
Purpose of visit: Moving day. Carried boxes. Lined the kitchen drawers. Cried in the car, she says, but only a little.
Guest rating: * * * * *
Comments: "It's lovely, honey. You need curtains. You need a shower curtain. You need a real frying pan. Call me when you get the phone hooked up. I love you. Lock the door."

Bureau note: The phone was hooked up on June 3. I called her the same night. The real frying pan arrived by mail on June 8.

Saturday, June 19, 1999 · First Overnight Guest

Visitor: Jaime (best friend since 9th grade, college roommate, current resident of Columbus)
Length of stay: 2 nights
Purpose of visit: Housewarming. Brought a plant, a bottle of wine and a corkscrew, which turned out to be the most important of the three.
Guest rating: * * * *
Comments: "The futon is a crime against my spine. The couch ate my earring. The bowling upstairs is REAL, I thought you were making it up. Five stars for the hostess, three for the futon, averages to four. Also that is my mug and you know it."

Bureau note: The earring was recovered from the couch on July 11. Jaime has returned three more times since and has a standing reservation for the Futon Suite. The mug question remains under review.

Saturday, July 3, 1999

Visitor: Sheila Moyer (Mom), second visit
Length of stay: 5 hours
Purpose of visit: Delivery of curtains, a shower curtain, and a casserole the size of a tire.
Guest rating: * * * * *
Comments: "The curtains look so nice. Please do something about the laundry. Is that pile leaning?"

Bureau note: This is the first recorded sighting of the Leaning Tower by an outside observer. The casserole lasted five days. The tuna noodle recipe in the Dining section is hers, scaled down.

Saturday, August 7, 1999

Visitor: Bryan (cousin, age 20, from Cincinnati)
Length of stay: 1 night
Purpose of visit: To see the Air Force Museum out by Wright-Patterson, which he has wanted to do since he was eight. Needed a place to crash. Found one.
Guest rating: * * *
Comments: "Air Force Museum: awesome, huge, and FREE. Apartment 3B: also free, but smaller. The planes were better than the futon but the pizza bagels were better than the museum food. Thanks Trish."

Bureau note: The Bureau acknowledges that it cannot compete with an entire museum full of airplanes and does not intend to try. Bryan ate six pizza bagels, which is a new Apartment 3B record.

Thursday, September 9, 1999 · Official Visit

Visitor: Grover (building maintenance)
Length of stay: 25 minutes
Purpose of visit: Work order #1: smoke detector chirping (7 days). Work order #2: bathroom door sticks.
Guest rating: (declined to rate)
Comments: "Battery changed. Door is fine, you got to lift it. Don't run the toaster oven and the microwave at the same time. — G."

Bureau note: Grover brought his own ladder, replaced the battery in under a minute, and then stood in the bathroom doorway and showed me the lift-and-push technique three times, slowly, like I was a child. He was right. He also identified the source of the Tuesday night bowling, but said it "wasn't his place to say." I offered him a cup of coffee in the cow mug. He looked at the cow mug and said he was fine. Most distinguished visitor to date.

Saturday, September 18, 1999

Visitor: Sheila Moyer (Mom), third visit, first overnight
Length of stay: 1 night
Purpose of visit: "Just to see you." Also, it turned out, to read this web page, which she had heard about from Jaime's mother.
Guest rating: * * * * *
Comments: "I slept on the futon so you didn't have to give up your bed, and I'm not going to say anything about it, except my back. I read your brochure. You're funny, you always were. I'm so proud of you I could pop. The laundry is still leaning."

Bureau note: Before she left on Sunday morning, Mom did two loads of laundry in the basement, folded all of it, and put it away while I was in the shower. The Leaning Tower of Laundry was demolished on September 19, 1999, at approximately 10:40 a.m. It will be rebuilt. But for one day, Apartment 3B had no Top Attraction #1, and I didn't mind at all.

Planning a visit? The Futon Suite is open most weekends. Reservations by e-mail:
[email protected]

Please bring groceries, a pillow, and your own coffee mug if you have strong feelings about cows.

Back to the Official Visitor's Guide

Visitor Log last updated Sunday, September 19, 1999