You Know You're Addicted to the Net When...

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You Know You're
Addicted to the Net When...
Debbie's list, with a little help from my family and my friends online

welcome.txt - Notepad

[_] [X]

Hi, I'm Debbie Mancuso from Pittsburgh, and I have a problem.

For Christmas 1996, my husband Frank bought the family a Packard Bell with a 33.6 modem and a free AOL disk, "for the kids' homework." The kids did their homework. I found the chat rooms. By Valentine's Day I had friends in eleven states and a sister in Butler who wanted to know why she couldn't get through on the phone anymore.

In March of this year we finally got a 56K modem and a second phone line. It was that or Frank was going to cut the first one with the hedge clippers. (Kidding, honey. Mostly.)

This list started as a joke on a message board I'm on. Everybody kept adding to it, and Frank finally said, "Put it on a web page, maybe then you'll stop reading it to me at supper." So here it is. See how many you can check off. Be honest. I'll know.

At Home

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You know you're addicted to the Net when...

...you pick up the phone to call your sister and you're a little disappointed it doesn't screech at you.
...your family has learned that "five more minutes" means forty-five.
...your husband has tied up the phone line on purpose just to get you to come to the table.
...you have a bookmark folder called Bookmarks To Organize Later, and it has 212 bookmarks in it.
...you dust the monitor more often than the living room.
...you know which of your chat friends are in which time zones, but you can't remember your own nephew's birthday.
...you've given the cat a screen name.
...your heart jumps when the computer says you've got mail, even when it's from the gas company.
...you call home from the grocery store, get a busy signal, and feel guilty, even though you're standing in the cereal aisle.
...the VCR has flashed 12:00 since 1994 and it doesn't bother you, but twelve unread messages keep you up at night.
...you sign birthday cards with a colon and a parenthesis.
...your kids send you an Instant Message from upstairs to ask what's for supper, and you send one back.
...you've tried to double-click the TV remote.

In the Kitchen

[_] [X]

...your recipe box has been replaced by a folder with 1,400 recipes in it, and you've made three.
...you've burned the garlic bread because a chat room got interesting.
...somebody says "cookies" and you think of Netscape before you think of the oven.
...you've got pierogies boiling in one room and a message board argument boiling in the other.
...everything your family eats has to cook itself in the Crock-Pot.

At Work

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(I work the front desk at a dentist's office three days a week.)

...you wrote "LOL" on a patient's appointment card.
...you tell the girls "brb" when you go to lunch.
...you complain the office computer is slow, and it's twice as fast as yours at home.
...you've started judging people by their e-mail addresses.
...you call someone's desk and you're surprised a person answers instead of a beep.

Out in the Real World

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...you asked the girl at Kaufmann's if the sweater came in a bigger font.
...you give directions to your house as "third link on the left."
...you pick restaurants by whether they have a web page.
...you see "www" on a billboard and your fingers start typing on your knee.
...you wrote a thank-you note by hand and it felt like carving a stone tablet.
...you went to a Pirates game and spent the seventh inning stretch wondering what everybody's screen names were.
...you planned your vacation around which towns had a local dial-up number.
...you met your chat friends in person at Kennywood and it took you twenty minutes to stop calling them by their screen names.

Late at Night

[_] [X]

...you say "just checking my mail" at 11 and look up at 2.
...you dream in 256 colors.
...you woke up at the desk with the J key printed on your cheek.
...your first thought in the morning isn't coffee. It's whether anybody wrote back.

The Family Speaks

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I asked them for help. I got it.

...she leaves a note on the fridge that says "brb." (Frank)
...I tell her the smoke detector's going off and she says, "Hang on, let me say goodbye to everybody." (Frank again. It was the toast. Everybody was fine.)
...your mom knows more chat abbreviations than you do, and she uses them in front of your friends. (Nicole, 14)
...she says "I'll be off in a minute" and you have time to finish your homework, call three friends and grow an inch. (Nicole)
...you ask Mom a question and she answers with a smiley face. Out loud. (Anthony, 10)
...your daughter calls you less but e-mails you eleven times a day, and one of them is that dancing baby. (My mother)

Sent In by Readers

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...there's a mouse pad on your kitchen table because that's where you eat now. (Carol, Ohio)
...you named the new puppy Modem because of the noise he makes when he's excited. (Lou, Erie PA)
...you check the weather on the computer instead of looking out the window, and the window is right next to the computer. (Jean, Johnstown PA)
...you get the church bulletin and check the parish web address for typos. (Rita, Wheeling WV)
...you know the name of your ISP's help desk guy, and his kids' names, and he knows yours. (Marv, Altoona PA)

Your Score

[_] [X]

Count up how many sounded like you.

0 to 5: You're a casual surfer. You probably have a garden, and hobbies, and a clean living room. I'm happy for you.
6 to 15: You're getting there. Keep an eye on those five more minutes.
16 to 30: Your family has started talking about you in the chat room. With you in it.
31 or more: Hi. I'm Debbie. Pull up a chair. Frank, can you bring us some coffee?

Got one for the list? Send it to me and I'll add the good ones, with your first name and where you're from.

You are visitor number

since I put this up in July. Most of them were me checking it.

[email protected]

Last updated Friday, September 10, 1999
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