I come to your house and teach you to use your computer. That's the whole business.

I spent eleven years doing technical support for a computer company, and the calls I liked best were the ones that took the longest: someone's mother or grandfather, new computer on the kitchen table, manual open, completely lost, and nobody in the family with the patience to sit with them. I have that patience. In 1998 I left the company and started doing this full time. It turns out there are a great many kitchen tables.

I work alone. When you call, you get me; when I come to the door, it's me; and if you have a question two weeks later, you call me and I remember your computer. I don't use jargon, and when I have to use a computer word I write it down for you on an index card with what it means. My clients have shoeboxes of index cards. That's fine. That's the idea.

Most of my clients are between 60 and 90. My oldest is 91 and sends e-mail to her great-grandchildren in Australia. It's never too late, and it's not as hard as they made it look.

Whatever you want to learn, at your own speed, on your own computer, in your own chair. We start where you are. If where you are is "I'm afraid to turn it on," we start there. The things people ask for most:

A first lesson is usually an hour and a half. After that, most people like an hour a week for a month or two, then a call now and then. Some people just want one visit to get e-mail going. Either way is fine. I will never sell you lessons you don't need.

Bought a computer (or been given one by the children) and it's still in the box? I'll come out and:

• Unpack it and set it up where you want it, with the cords labeled so you know which is which. I bring the labels.
• Connect the printer, the modem to the phone line, and the speakers, and make sure each one actually works before I leave.
• Set up your Internet account and e-mail address, and test that it dials and connects.
• Make the letters and the pointer bigger on the screen if you'd like them bigger. Most people would.
• Make sure the virus program is turned on and knows how to update itself.
• Put the things you'll use on the screen where you can find them, and take the rest out of the way.
• Write the first index cards: how to turn it on, how to turn it off, how to get to e-mail, whom to call at your Internet company, and my number.

Setup usually takes about two hours, and then we can start a first lesson right there if you're not worn out, which most people are, so we usually make it the next week.

Shopping for a computer? I'll go with you, or tell you what to look for on the phone, at the regular hourly rate. I don't sell computers and I don't get anything from the stores, so my advice is just advice.

A lot of my clients are worried about what will happen to their computer on January 1, 2000, and a lot of people are trying to sell them things about it. Here is the plain truth as I understand it: most home computers bought in the last few years will be fine, a few older ones will get the date wrong and need a small correction, and none of them are going to blow up. But it's worth a look, so I do a half-hour check for a flat $25 (not the hourly rate) that includes:

• Testing whether the computer's built-in clock rolls over to 2000 correctly, and fixing the setting if it doesn't.
• Checking that Windows and the programs you actually use (checkbook, address book, calendar) are the versions that handle the date, and getting the free updates from the makers if they aren't.
• Showing you how to set the date yourself on New Year's morning if it comes up wrong, which is a thirty-second job, on an index card.
• Making a copy of your important files onto floppy disks, which you should have anyway.

That's it. You don't need a new computer for Y2K. If somebody tells you that you do, call me first.

After the first hour, time is billed by the half hour. No travel charge inside my area. I take cash or a check at the end of the visit, and I leave you a written receipt. Two people in the same house learning at the same time is still one hourly rate, so have your husband or your neighbor sit in.

House calls anywhere within about 20 miles of Fremont: Fremont, Newark, Union City, Hayward, Milpitas, and over the hills to Pleasanton and Livermore. If you're a little past that, ask; I may be coming your way anyway. I drive a small blue car and I'm always on time, because I know you've been waiting by the window.

I visit Monday through Friday, 9 in the morning to 6 in the evening, and Saturday mornings. No evening visits; I've found nobody learns well after supper, me included.

I mean this. In eleven years on the phones and two years at kitchen tables, I have never once been asked a dumb question. I've been asked the same very good questions hundreds of times, and here are some of them, so you know you're in good company:

• "Why do I click Start to shut it down?" (Nobody knows. Everybody asks.)
• "Is it going to break if I press the wrong thing?" (Almost never. I'll show you the one or two things to be careful of, and the rest you can't hurt.)
• "Where did my letter go?" (It's there. We'll find it, and then we'll fix it so it always goes to the same place.)
• "Why is it so slow?" (Usually the modem. Sometimes the computer. I'll tell you honestly which, and whether it's worth doing anything about.)
• "What's the difference between the Internet and e-mail?" (A good question with a short answer, and I'll draw you a picture.)
• "Can they see me through the screen?" (No. I promise. But we'll talk about what you should and shouldn't type into it.)
• "My grandson set this up and I don't want to bother him again." (That's why I'm here. He's at school.)

If you've been afraid to ask somebody in your family because they sigh, ask me. I don't sigh. I bring index cards.

PC Help for Seniors • Pat Nguyen, owner • Fremont, California

Telephone: (555) 555-0142
If I'm at someone's house the machine will answer; leave your name and number and I'll call back the same day, usually by suppertime.

E-mail: [email protected]
And if you're not sure how to send e-mail yet — that's all right. That's what the telephone is for, and that's what I'm for.