GeoCities.us GeoCities.us » SoHo » Canvas Get your FREE home page!
The Copy Desk
Front page · One bad paragraph, marked up

Seventy-two words go in; forty-six come out

To show you what the rules look like in practice, I sat down and wrote the worst opening paragraph I could, the kind I read three times a night. I didn't have to make anything up. Every mistake in it is one I've seen this month, most of them more than once. Then I marked it up the way I would a story at work, and then I set it clean.

The Browns part is true, by the way. Three seasons without a team, and they came back this month. I'd have led with it too.

1. As filed

WELCOME TO MY HOMEPAGE!!!

Hi and thanks for stopping by my homepage. I hope you enjoy you're stay. My page is always under construction so check back alot. I have alot of interests including my dog, my CD's and the Cleveland Browns, who are back this year after three year's away!!! Its been a long wait. Click here to see pictures of my dog Rusty, he is a Beagle.

Last updated Tuesday

2. Marked up

Struck-through words come out. Red brackets go in. The numbers are explained underneath.

WELCOME TO MY HOMEPAGE!!!
[1: Browns, a beagle and my CDs]

Hi and thanks for stopping by my homepage. I hope you enjoy you're stay. My page is always under construction so check back alot. [2] [3: The Cleveland Browns are back this year after three years away. It's been a long wait. This page is about them,] I have alot of interests including [4] my dog, my CD's [5: CDs] and [6, 7: my dog, Rusty, a beagle.] the Cleveland Browns, who are back this year after three year's away!!! Its been a long wait. [8] [9] [10] Click here to see pictures of my dog Rusty, he is a Beagle. [11: Here are pictures of Rusty.]

Last updated Tuesday[12: , Sept. 21, 1999]

The marks, one by one

1New headline. The old one was shouting (rule 7), had three exclamation points (rule 8), and said nothing (rule 6). A headline tells you what's in the story. This page has three things in it, so the headline names all three.
2Cut the whole first three sentences. That's the throat-clearing. They know they've stopped by. Every page is under construction. And somebody who wants to "enjoy you're stay" has two errors in one sentence: it's your, and nobody stays at a web page, they read it.
3Lead with the news. The Browns came back after three years. That's the most interesting thing in the paragraph, and it was buried in the middle, wearing three exclamation points. Move it to the top (rule 11).
4"Alot" is two words (rule 4), but this whole phrase comes out anyway. "I have a lot of interests including" is a long way of saying "this page is about."
5CDs, no apostrophe (rule 3). The CDs don't own anything.
6"My dog Rusty, he is a Beagle" is two sentences glued together with a comma. Rusty gets commas around his name, because he's your only dog, and "a beagle" does the work of "he is a beagle." Since Rusty's moving up anyway, he goes in here.
7Beagle is lowercase. Breeds are lowercase unless part of the name is a place or a person: beagle, collie, German shepherd.
8Years, no apostrophe. Same rule as the CDs. Fixed in the new top sentence.
9One period, no exclamation points. Fixed in the new top sentence.
10"Its" should be "It's," because it means "it has" (rule 1). Fixed in the new top sentence.
11"Click here" isn't a link, it's an instruction (rule 5). Underline the thing you're linking to: pictures of Rusty.
12Date the date (rule 9). Tuesday, Sept. 21, 1999.

3. As published

Browns, a beagle and my CDs

The Cleveland Browns are back this year after three years away. It's been a long wait. This page is about them, my CDs and my dog, Rusty, a beagle. Here are pictures of Rusty.

Last updated Tuesday, Sept. 21, 1999

Seventy-two words as filed, counting the headline and the date line, and forty-six as published. Nothing in it is new. A copy editor doesn't add facts; he gets the ones that are already there into the right order and out of each other's way. If I'd had the writer on the phone, I'd have asked one question: what's the best thing on your page? If the answer was Rusty, Rusty would be in the headline and the Browns would wait.

Your turn. Go read your own front page out loud, slowly, and see what you'd strike.

Back to the front page of The Copy Desk

Letters to the editor: [email protected]
Last updated Thursday, Sept. 23, 1999