People keep asking me this, like it's some big secret. It's not. It's just a lot of phone calls and a broom. Here's how we do it. Rip it off. Please. The more shows the better.

1. FIND A ROOM.
VFW halls, Elks lodges, church basements, the community room at the library, a grange hall, a rec center, the back of a pizza place on a Tuesday. Ask. The worst thing they can say is no, and they will say no a LOT. Keep asking. It took me eleven no's to get the VFW.

2. BE A GROWN-UP ABOUT IT.
Show up in a clean shirt. Bring a written plan: what night, how many people, what time you're out, who's in charge. Put your own name on it. The people who own these rooms aren't scared of punk. They're scared of nobody being responsible. Be the responsible one.

3. ASK ABOUT RENT, INSURANCE AND THE RULES.
Some halls want rent up front. Some want a deposit. Some need a certificate of insurance for events, and that's a real thing, so ask them how their other renters handle it. Write down every rule they give you. Then follow every one.

4. BOOK THREE OR FOUR BANDS, NOT SEVEN.
Everybody wants to play. Seven bands means the last one goes on at midnight and you're out at eleven. Put a local band that brings people first, and the touring band second to last, when the room is fullest.

5. GET A PA.
Somebody's band has one. Borrow it, and give them gas money and a good slot. Vocals through a guitar amp works in a pinch, but nobody will understand a word, which, honestly, might be fine.

6. KEEP THE DOOR CHEAP.
Five dollars. Four if you can. Nobody should miss a show because of money. Have a "short on cash" jar at the door and don't make anybody explain.

7. MAKE FLYERS.
Cut and paste, photocopy, staple them on every pole and every record store bulletin board. Put the date, the time, the place, the price, and ALL AGES in big letters. Then take them down after. Seriously. Nothing makes a neighborhood hate you faster than old flyers.

8. PAY THE TOURING BAND FIRST.
They drove here. They need gas to get to the next town. Before anybody local sees a dime, the band from out of town gets paid, and gets a floor to sleep on and breakfast if you can swing it. That's how you get a reputation as a town worth driving to.

9. NO DRINKING. NO FIGHTING. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's all ages. There are fourteen-year-olds in there whose moms dropped them off. You want those moms to drop them off again. Have two friends who aren't in any of the bands keep an eye on the door and the parking lot.

10. SWEEP.
The show isn't over when the last band finishes. It's over when the floor is cleaner than when you got there, the chairs are back, the trash is out, and you've said thank you to whoever let you in. Do this every single time and they'll let you come back. That's the whole trick.