Ask anybody about Jan Brady and you'll get the same answer. Oh, Jan. The
jealous one. The whiny one. The one who wore the wig. And then they'll do
the line. You know the line. Every middle sister in America has had it done
to her, in that voice, by somebody who was sure they were the first person
to ever think of it. I won't type it here. This is a safe space.
I grew up the middle of three girls, so I have been thinking about Jan
Brady for about twenty-five years, and I have reached a verdict. Jan wasn't
jealous. Jan was right. She lived in a house with a perfect older
sister and an adorable younger one, she was the only one who seemed to
notice, and every week she said so out loud. Then everybody acted like
she was the problem.
I work in payroll. I spend my days finding the one number in a column of
four hundred that doesn't add up, so I am going to lay this out like a
ledger. Here is the evidence.
The Evidence
| Exhibit A: Her Sister's Shadow (1971) |
|
Every teacher Jan has ever had taught Marcia first, and the bedroom shelf
is full of Marcia's trophies. Then Jan wins first prize in an essay contest,
finally, something of her own. And then she notices the scores were added
up wrong and she really came in second. Nobody else would ever have known.
She tells her teacher anyway, minutes before they hand her the award, with
her parents in the audience. Credit to Jan: the most honest thing
anybody did in five seasons of that show. People remember the complaining
from this episode. They forget the ending.
|
| Exhibit B: The Not-So-Ugly Duckling (1970) |
|
Jan likes a boy, the boy likes Marcia, and Jan decides it must be her
freckles. So she invents a boyfriend. Yes, the famous made-up boyfriend,
George Glass. Was it a lie? Yes. Have you ever been twelve? Every girl I
know had a George Glass at some point. Mine went to a different school, in
Bakersfield, and was very busy. Credit to Jan: she gets all dressed
up, holds her head up, and the boy finally notices her. Freckles and
all.
|
| Exhibit C: Will the Real Jan Brady Please Stand Up? (1971) |
|
The wig. Three blonde girls in one house, and Jan wants to be the one people
can tell apart, so she buys a dark wig and wears it to a party, and it goes
about as well as you'd think. Everybody laughs at the wig. I never did. I
thought she looked like Cher. Credit to Jan: she tried something.
When was the last time Marcia tried something she might fail at?
|
| Exhibit D: The Not-So-Rose-Colored Glasses (1971) |
|
Jan needs glasses and won't wear them, and she rides her bike right into
the big family portrait Mike had made for Carol. Debit to Jan:
I'll give you this one. But I got glasses in sixth grade, big brown plastic
ones, and Rhonda called me Owl for a year, and I left them in my desk every
single day. I understood that episode better than any after-school special.
|
| Exhibit E: Jan's Aunt Jenny (1972) |
|
Jan finds an old photograph of Aunt Jenny as a girl, and she looks exactly
like Jan, and then she sees what Aunt Jenny looks like now and panics. Then
Aunt Jenny (Imogene Coca!) comes to visit, and she turns out to be the most
wonderful, interesting woman anybody in that house ever met. Credit to
Jan: she grows up to be Aunt Jenny. You heard it here first.
|
| Exhibit F: Jan, the Only Child (1972) |
|
Jan wants to be an only child, so the family leaves her strictly alone,
and she finds out pretty fast that she doesn't want that either.
Credit to Jan: name me one person who grew up sharing a bedroom
with two sisters who never once said this out loud. I said it at least
weekly. I got the same treatment, except my family stopped after about
twenty minutes because Sheila couldn't stand it.
|
| Exhibit G: Lost Locket, Found Locket (1970) |
|
Somebody sends Jan a locket from a secret admirer, and she spends the
whole episode trying to find out who. I won't spoil it, but it's somebody
who saw what Jan needed when nobody else in the family did. Credit to
Jan: she was worth noticing. Somebody in that house knew it.
|
The Other Jans
When they made The Brady Bunch Hour in 1976, the variety show with
the swimming pool, Eve Plumb didn't come back, and they got a different
girl to play Jan. We noticed. Every middle sister in America noticed. You
can replace the middle one and hope nobody sees, and that is the whole
point of this page.
Eve Plumb, meanwhile, went off and starred in a TV movie in 1976 about a
teenage runaway, which my mother would not let us watch, which only made
it more interesting. Good for her.
And then in 1995 came The Brady Bunch Movie, and Jennifer Elise Cox
played Jan with voices in her head, nagging her about Marcia, and invented
George Glass all over again, and I laughed until I had to go out to the
lobby. Whoever made that movie had a big sister. I'd bet my paycheck on
it.
The Ledger
| Item |
Credit |
Debit |
| Gave back an award she didn't earn | 1 | |
| Invented George Glass | 1/2 | 1/2 |
| Wore the wig to the party | 1 | |
| Bike into the family portrait | | 1 |
| Said what every middle child thinks | 117 | |
| BALANCE | Jan, by a mile |
A Word to the Marcias
My sister Rhonda read this page before I put it up. She said it was very
well organized, and that she didn't see what Jan had to complain about.
That's the closing argument. The defense rests.
To every middle child reading this at work when you should be doing
something else: I see you. You were right.
Back to the Brady page |
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Tell me your middle child story
Last updated September 26, 1999. Thirty years of Jan.
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