The Seinfeld Memorial Chapel

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The Seinfeld Memorial Chapel
Parma, Ohio · Serving grieving fans since May 15, 1998

IN LOVING MEMORY
SEINFELD
July 5, 1989 – May 14, 1998
Nine seasons. 180 episodes. Not one hug.
SEINFELD, 9 seasons, of the Upper West Side of Manhattan, passed away Thursday, May 14, 1998, in Latham, Massachusetts, surrounded by about 76 million viewers.

It was born July 5, 1989, on NBC, under the name The Seinfeld Chronicles, to Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld. It had a difficult childhood, moving around the schedule and getting very small orders from the network, before finally settling down on Thursday nights, where it spent its happiest years. It won the Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series in 1993.

In the middle of its ninth season, with the ratings still at the top, Jerry decided it was time to go. The network reportedly offered a great deal of money for a tenth season. He said no thanks. Friends describe it as the only mature decision anybody connected with the show ever made.

It is survived by Jerry, a comedian; George Costanza, formerly of the New York Yankees and several other employers; Elaine Benes, formerly of Pendant Publishing and the J. Peterman catalog; and Cosmo Kramer, occupation unknown. Also by Frank and Estelle Costanza, Morty and Helen Seinfeld, Uncle Leo, and Newman, of the United States Postal Service.

It was preceded in death by Susan Ross (envelopes, 1996).

Visitation is held nightly in syndication. Check your local listings.

In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you send Junior Mints, or make a donation to the Human Fund.

Seinfeld belongs to Castle Rock, NBC, Jerry and Larry. Not me. I just miss it.

The Eulogy
delivered by Mitch Kolb, chapel director and longtime viewer

Friends, fans, people who came here by mistake looking for the NBC page.

I started watching in 1991, in a two-bedroom apartment near campus in Kent with three roommates, a 19-inch TV with a coat hanger on it, and a couch we found on the curb. I was twenty-three and I had never seen a show about people who were exactly as petty as me and my friends. Every Thursday we'd watch it, and every Friday the four of us would do the whole thing over again at breakfast, badly.

Those roommates are now a youth pastor in Akron, a CPA in Columbus, and a guy in Phoenix who sells boats. We don't talk every week. But we call each other every time one of us sees a grown man double-dip a chip at a funeral lunch, and that will never stop.

On May 14, 1998, I watched the finale at Stosh's Tavern on Ridge Road with about ninety other people who had paid five dollars at the door for chicken wings and the privilege. When the jail cell door closed, the room went quiet, and then a man at the end of the bar said it was the worst hour of television he had ever seen, and a lady by the dartboard said he wasn't smart enough to get it, and they went at it until closing. I have thought about it for over a year now, and I have decided they were both right.

It was never supposed to hug us. It was never supposed to learn anything. It was supposed to be four terrible people and the small stuff, and it was that, perfectly, for nine years. Rest in peace, old friend. You're in a better place: on at 7:00 and 11:30, every weeknight, forever.

The Five Stages of Seinfeld Grief

Denial. You kept setting the VCR for Thursday at 9:00 until the middle of June.
Anger. You found out the next fall that Frasier had moved into its time slot. Frasier is a very good show. It is not the same. You said this to people who had not asked.
Bargaining. You told your wife you would give up football if they'd make one more season. She said she'd hold you to it. You did not follow up.
Depression. You watched The Chronicle, the clip show they ran before the finale, on tape, four times, alone.
Acceptance. You discovered the reruns on your local station at 7:00 and realized you could now see every episode twice a day and still not get to the end of the Festivus pole jokes.

Viewing of the Remains The chapel director's ten favorite episodes, in no order, with remarks
The Contest season 4, 1992	Four friends, one bet, and not one word in the whole half hour you couldn't say in front of your grandmother. Won Larry David an Emmy for the writing.
The Chinese Restaurant season 2, 1991	They wait for a table. That's it. That's the episode. I have shown it to people who "don't get Seinfeld," and they still don't, and that is how you know.
The Parking Garage season 3, 1991	Lost car, mall garage, goldfish in a bag, air conditioner on Kramer's shoulder. I have lived this at every mall in northern Ohio.
The Bubble Boy season 4, 1992	One misprinted Trivial Pursuit card, and everybody ends up somewhere they shouldn't be. My family no longer plays Trivial Pursuit with me.
The Junior Mint season 4, 1993	Jerry and Kramer, an operating room, and a candy. I will say no more.
The Opposite season 5, 1994	George does the opposite of every instinct he has, and his life goes great. I tried this for one week in 1994. Results were mixed.
The Marine Biologist season 5, 1994	George, a beach, a whale in trouble and a golf ball. George's big speech at the end is the finest work Jason Alexander ever did, and they never gave him the Emmy. Still mad.
The Soup Nazi season 7, 1995	Every lunch counter in America has done this bit to a customer at least once since. The man at the sub shop by my office does it to me daily.
The Betrayal season 9, 1997	The whole episode runs backwards, ending at the beginning. Nobody else on TV would have tried it in its last year. They did it anyway.
The Strike season 9, 1997	Festivus. My brother-in-law has an aluminum pole in his garage in Strongsville and holds the Airing of Grievances every December 23rd. I've been on the list two years running.

Pallbearers
Newman · Uncle Leo · David Puddy · J. Peterman · Jackie Chiles · the Soup Nazi

Honorary: Kenny Bania, Babu Bhatt, Mr. Pitt, Mr. Lippman, the Maestro, Bob Sacamano (who we never actually saw, but we heard so much about him).

Over 600 mourners have signed the Guest Register.
Light a candle. Share a memory. Argue about the finale. Everyone else does.

The chapel has received

callers since May 15, 1998

Chapel director: Mitch Kolb
Last updated Thursday, September 23, 1999. New TV season started this week. Still nothing on at nine.
© 1998-1999 Mitch Kolb