September 1999

Friday, September 17
My son-in-law tells me the counter on this page says more than eleven thousand people have come by. June says that's more folks than came to our wedding, and it cost a whole lot less.
Groan-o-Meter: 5 out of 5

Thursday, September 16
My granddaughter keeps her Beanie Babies up on a shelf with the little heart tags still on their ears. I asked her why she doesn't play with them. She said, "Grandpa, they're only worth a lot if nobody ever touches them." I said, "Honey, that's how your Uncle Ray feels about his bass boat."
Groan-o-Meter: 4 out of 5

Wednesday, September 15
The grandkids asked me what this "information superhighway" is. I told them it's like the Turner Turnpike, except everybody's doing 56K and nobody's getting anywhere.
Groan-o-Meter: 3 out of 5

Tuesday, September 14
Our cat, Mitzi, has learned to walk across the keyboard. Last week she sent my sister in Muskogee an e-mail that said "jjjjjjjjjj;;;;;;;;". My sister wrote back, "Same to you." Those two have never gotten along better.
Groan-o-Meter: 4 out of 5

Monday, September 13
Colby asked me how old I am. I said sixty-seven. He counted on his fingers, ran out, borrowed his sister's fingers, ran out again, and finally said, "Grandpa, that's too old for fingers."
Groan-o-Meter: 4 out of 5

Friday, September 10
Went to the eye doctor. He pointed at the chart and said, "Read me the bottom line." I said, "Doc, the bottom line is I can't afford new glasses."
Groan-o-Meter: 3 out of 5

Thursday, September 9
Today is 9-9-99. The computer fellows on the news said some old computers might act up today on account of all those nines. Mine acted up, but that's just a Thursday for it.
Groan-o-Meter: 3 out of 5

Wednesday, September 8
My granddaughter asked what we did before chat rooms. I told her when I was a boy we had a party line with eight families on it. She said, "So it was a chat room?" I said yes, except Mrs. Tolbert down the road was the moderator, and she never logged off.
Groan-o-Meter: 5 out of 5

Tuesday, September 7
Our pastor told us the church needed a new roof and he was going to pray about it. The next Sunday it rained on the whole left side of the sanctuary, and the collection plate came back full from the left side only.
Groan-o-Meter: 4 out of 5 (the pastor gave it a 5)

Monday, September 6
No joke today. I'm observing Labor Day. The joke is that a retired man took the day off.
Groan-o-Meter: 4 out of 5 (June: "Oh, Gene.")

Friday, September 3
My neighbor bought one of those riding mowers with a cup holder, a radio and a little umbrella on top. Now it takes him three hours to mow a lawn the size of a pool table, and he tells his wife he's going out to think.
Groan-o-Meter: 3 out of 5

Thursday, September 2
They say if you don't like the weather in Oklahoma, wait five minutes. What they don't tell you is if you do like it, you'd better hurry.
Groan-o-Meter: 3 out of 5

Wednesday, September 1
A fellow at the coffee shop asked what I do all day now that I'm retired. I said June gives me a list every morning. He asked what's on it. I said I don't know, I haven't found my glasses yet.
Groan-o-Meter: 4 out of 5

Best of August
(The ones folks wrote back about the most.)

Thursday, August 26
Harold Pickens from church signed up for the computer class at the senior center. First day, the teacher said, "Now double-click the mouse." Harold clicked it once, waited politely, and clicked it again. Took him about four minutes. Harold was a Navy man. He does things by the book, and the book didn't say how fast.
Groan-o-Meter: 4 out of 5

Wednesday, August 18
The salesman at the Chevy dealer said my new truck came with a lifetime warranty. I asked him whose lifetime. He said, "The truck's." I asked when that runs out. He said, "When the warranty does."
Groan-o-Meter: 4 out of 5

Tuesday, August 10
June asked me to hang a picture in the front hall. Three hours, four nail holes and one flat thumb later, she stood back and said, "It's a little crooked." I said, "So is the house."
Groan-o-Meter: 3 out of 5

Friday, August 6
The doctor told me I ought to drink eight glasses of water a day. I've been doing it. Now I'm up eight times a night, so I'm getting my exercise too.
Groan-o-Meter: 3 out of 5

Monday, August 2
This one's from Colby, age seven, who made it up himself and asked me to put it on the computer:
Why did the cow cross the road? Because it was Tuesday!
Groan-o-Meter: Colby says 5 out of 5. Colby is wrong. But I love him, so it stays.