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The Honest Christmas Letter What we wrote the relatives last year, and what really happened Hello, and Merry Christmas a little early. I'm Linda Greenfield. I'm 41, I work in payroll at a hospital here in Rochester, New York, and I live with my husband Carl, our three children, Antonio (16), Katie (12) and Jarvis (8), and a dog named Waffles who will come up again later, I'm sorry to say. I have written our family Christmas letter every year since 1984, when Antonio was a baby and there was a great deal to report about his teeth. Fifteen letters. Every December I sit down at the kitchen table, usually far too late, and tell eighty-some relatives and friends what a busy, blessed, wonderful year the Greenfields have had. And every year Carl reads it over my shoulder and says, "That's not exactly what happened." Last December, at about midnight on the nineteenth, I typed the real one too, just for us. I read it out loud at breakfast and Carl laughed so hard he had to put down his coffee. So here they are, side by side. Before anyone writes in: every person in this family read this page before it went up and approved every word. Carl approved it on the condition that I mention he has since finished a second wall (see below). Waffles was not consulted. The 1998 Letter What We Mailed What Really Happened Dear Friends and Family, Season's greetings from the Greenfields! What a busy and blessed year 1998 has been for all of us. Dear Friends and Family, It is December 19 and I am writing this at the kitchen table at 11:40 at night, because the cards were supposed to go out on the first. "Busy" is the word I use when I mean "behind." "Blessed" is true, though. Hold on to that one. Carl has been hard at work finishing the basement, and we're so excited to finally have a family room downstairs! Carl finished one wall. It is a very nice wall. The other three are studs, pink insulation and a dartboard. The "family room" is the dartboard and two lawn chairs. The boys love it down there, so maybe he's finished after all. This summer we packed up the van for a road trip to visit Carl's family in Ohio. The van's transmission went out on the Thruway just past Batavia, which is about forty minutes from our house. We spent the first two days of our vacation at a transmission shop and a motel with a pool. Jarvis says it was the best vacation of his life. The transmission was $1,840. We drove to Ohio over Labor Day instead, with the windows down and our fingers crossed. Antonio made the JV basketball team and is enjoying tenth grade. Antonio made the JV team and has played eleven minutes all season, eight of them in a game we lost by thirty. His coach says he has the best attitude on the team, and he is the loudest person on that bench, and I am prouder of that than of any basket. He also grew four inches and ate everything in this house, including, once, Jarvis's birthday cake, the day before Jarvis's birthday. Katie's science fair project on volcanoes won an honorable mention! Katie's volcano did win an honorable mention. It also erupted once in our kitchen during the trial run, and there is still a pinkish spot on the kitchen ceiling the shape of Florida. To this day nobody, including Katie, can explain how it got all the way up there. The judges never knew. The ceiling knows. Katie also continues with her piano lessons. Katie and the piano have agreed to see other people. She has taken up the flute, which I was told would be quieter. Jarvis started second grade and lost his very first tooth! Jarvis lost his first tooth in a caramel apple at the apple festival in October. Then he dropped it in the grass. Four grown-ups and one very kind stranger searched on our hands and knees for half an hour. We never found it. The Tooth Fairy accepted a signed statement from his father. Carl was promoted at work this spring! Carl's promotion came with a new title, a parking space two rows closer to the door, and no raise. He is thrilled about the parking space. In February, that counts. And I'm still in payroll at the hospital, and took on some new responsibilities this year. My new responsibility is that they moved my desk next to the time clock. Everybody who is late says good morning to me now, very quietly. Carl is enjoying the Bills' wonderful season! Carl bought six boxes of Flutie Flakes and will not let anyone open them, because they are "collector's items." We have eaten three boxes anyway. He hasn't noticed. Carl, if you're reading this, they were very good. We hosted Thanksgiving for fourteen this year, and it was a wonderful day with family. We hosted Thanksgiving for fourteen. At 2:15, while everyone was watching the game, Waffles got up on the counter and ate two dozen homemade rolls, the ones Carl's mother taught me to make the year we were married. He did not touch the butter. He is a dog of principle. We served saltines. Carl's mother laughed until she had to sit down, said it was the best Thanksgiving in years, and slipped Waffles a saltine under the table. We wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, and hope this letter finds you well! Love, Carl, Linda, Antonio, Katie, Jarvis (and Waffles!) We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, and we hope this letter finds you, because I have changed your address card three times. Love, All of us, and Waffles, who is not sorry The Christmas Letter Translator For reading everybody else's letters this year. Or mine. When the letter says... It means... "It's been a busy year." We are behind on everything, including this letter. "We're so proud of..." This is the one thing that went right. Please ask about it. "...is enjoying..." ...is putting up with, most days. "A family project" Dad started it. Mom finished it. The children watched television. "We're looking forward to..." We haven't started. "The kids are growing like weeds!" I have bought three sizes of sneakers since June. "We had a nice, quiet summer close to home." The car broke down. "We've done a little traveling." We went to Buffalo. Twice. "...is exploring new interests." ...quit piano. "It was wonderful to see everyone!" It was a great deal of everyone. "We've been blessed with good health." Nobody needed a cast. (At our house, I'll take it.) "Hope this finds you well!" I had to call your sister for your new address. "More next year!" You will get this exact letter next year. A Head Start on 1999 It's September. I am trying to be early for once in my life. My honest notes are in brackets, and they come out before it's mailed. Probably. Dear Friends and Family, What a year 1999 has been! [It isn't over. It's September 24. But I'm trying.] Antonio turned sixteen this summer and has his learner's permit! [Carl has taken him driving in the high school parking lot every Sunday since July. Carl now grabs the dashboard in my car too, out of habit.] Katie started seventh grade and is busier than ever. [Katie has discovered the telephone. We may need a second line. We are not getting a second line.] Jarvis is in third grade and is a wonderful reader. [He is. That one's just true. He also has a loose tooth, and this time we have a plan, and the plan is a sandwich bag.] Carl finished the second wall in the basement! [He did! It's really done! I'm putting it in now, in September, in case something happens to it before December.] I spent much of the year at work getting the hospital payroll ready for the year 2000. [I have checked every pay date from now through next Christmas, twice. If anybody's paycheck thinks it's 1900 on January 1, it won't be my fault. I'm still going to be at work on New Year's Day, just in case.] We're all set for the new year! [Carl bought forty gallons of water and a radio you crank by hand. The water is in the unfinished part of the basement, where it is very useful as something to walk around.] Waffles is doing well. [Waffles is banned from the kitchen from November 20 on.] We hope to see many of you in the new millennium! [Carl says the new millennium technically doesn't start for another whole year after that. Do not bring this up with Carl.] Love, The Greenfields Do you write the family letter at your house? Tell me the honest version. I won't tell your relatives. [email protected] Visitors since Valentine's Day: Last updated Friday, September 24, 1999 Sixty-eight days until the cards are supposed to go out. I'm counting.