If you're reading this, you've probably noticed something's wrong. Maybe she cries all the time. Maybe she's quiet in a way that isn't like her. Maybe she says "I'm fine" and you don't believe her. Thank you for looking. I hope this helps you help her. I wrote it from the other side, and I asked David, my mother-in-law Rosalie and my mom what they learned too.

What it feels like from the inside

She probably feels ashamed. She thinks she's supposed to be happy, and she isn't, and she thinks that means she's a bad mother. She might be scared that if she tells anyone, they'll think she can't take care of the baby. She's tired in a way that sleep doesn't fix. She might not be able to tell you any of this, because she doesn't have the words yet. I didn't.

What to say

• "You're a good mom. I can see how much you love him."
• "This isn't your fault."
• "Lots of women go through this. It has a name, and it gets better."
• "I'm not going anywhere."
• "Will you let me call the doctor with you?"
• Or nothing. Sometimes just sit with her. Rosalie didn't say a word for the first five minutes in the car, and that's what let me talk.

What not to say

• "Enjoy every minute."
• "Snap out of it," "cheer up," or "just think positive."
• "What do you have to be sad about?"
• "My sister had three kids and never had any trouble."
• "It's just the baby blues." (Maybe it is. But if it's been more than two weeks, let a doctor decide.)
• Anything that starts with "You should..."

What to do

• Help her get to the doctor. Make the call with her, or for her if she says it's okay. Drive her. Hold the baby in the waiting room.
• Help her sleep. Take a night feeding, or the early morning one, so she can get a few hours in a row. If she's nursing, she can pump ahead of time, or you can bring the baby to her and then take him back so she can go right back to sleep.
• Bring food. Not "let me know if you need anything." Just bring a casserole in a pan she doesn't have to return.
• Do a chore without asking. Dishes, laundry, vacuuming, taking the dog out. Don't make a big deal about it.
• Get her outside. Offer to go on a walk with her and the stroller.
• Keep the visitors short if she's worn out, and do the talking at the door for her.
• Be patient. Getting better takes weeks, sometimes months, and there are bad days in the middle of good ones.

How to give her an afternoon off

This is the best present anybody gave me. Here's how my mom did it, step by step, so you can copy her.

1. Call ahead and pick a day. Don't spring it on her.
2. Come over at noon. Take the baby, the diaper bag, the bottles, all of it.
3. Tell her she doesn't have to do anything at all. Not clean, not cook, not fold laundry. If she wants to sleep, she sleeps. If she wants to sit in the bathtub for an hour, she does.
4. Leave the house, if you can, so she doesn't hear the baby fussing and come running. My mom took Scott to her house for the afternoon.
5. Don't call her to ask questions unless you really have to. Write them down and ask when you get back.
6. Come back at four with the baby fed and changed and, if you're a saint like my mom, a bag of takeout for supper.
7. Do it again next week.

The first time, I slept for three hours and woke up and didn't know where I was. The second time, I went to the mall and walked around by myself and bought a lipstick. The third time, I missed Scott by two o'clock. That's how I knew I was getting better.

Husbands, take care of yourselves too

It's scary to watch your wife go through this, and you're tired too, and you have a new baby too. Some dads get depressed after a baby comes as well. Talk to somebody. Your doctor, your pastor, a friend. You can't hold her up if you're falling down.