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AGENT BRIEFING
My name is Ricky Salazar, Special Agent (self-appointed), and I have been tracking the clowns since I was six years old, when one handed me a balloon giraffe at my cousin's birthday party in Albuquerque and looked right into my soul.
I'm 19 now. I study drafting at the community college. I've read every book, watched every tape, and survived the TV movie of Stephen King's It when I was ten (my mom said no, my cousin's VCR said yes). And I am the only one who sees what's going on.
This page is where I keep the evidence. Read it. Then look over your shoulder. Then read it again.
THE EVIDENCE
EXHIBIT 1: THE CAR
Fourteen of them get out of a car the size of a shopping cart. Physics says no. So either physics is wrong, or the car is bigger on the inside. And where does a person get technology like that? I'll give you a hint. Look at the name of this neighborhood. |
EXHIBIT 2: THE SHOES
Nobody's feet are that big. Nobody. So what's in there? Two words: landing gear. |
EXHIBIT 3: THE HORN
A honk is never just a honk. Last September I recorded 43 honks at the New Mexico State Fair on my dad's tape recorder. I've decoded two so far. Two short honks: "Proceed with pie." One long honk: "The kid in the Lobos shirt is onto us." |
EXHIBIT 4: THE FACE
They all have the same painted-on smile. Nobody is that happy all the time. Nobody. Not even people at Disneyland. Clones? Masks? Both? Investigation ongoing. |
EXHIBIT 5: THE BALLOON ANIMALS
They're building an army, one poodle at a time. And ask yourself: where do the balloon animals go? You get one at a party, you bring it home, and two weeks later it's gone. My mom says it popped under the couch. That's exactly what They would want her to say. |
EXHIBIT 6: THE FLOWER
It squirts water. Supposedly. Nobody has ever looked closely at the flower because the second you do, it squirts you. Convenient. |
EXHIBIT 7: THE NOSE
Squeeze it and it honks. Why would a nose need to honk? Unless it isn't a nose. Unless it's a transmitter. |
EXHIBIT 8: THE DISAPPEARANCE
Where do they go when the circus leaves town? Nobody knows. Nobody has ever asked. Until now. |
OFFICIAL THREAT LEVELS
| TYPE | LEVEL | FIELD NOTES |
| Circus clown | RED | Travels in packs. Has access to the car. |
| Birthday party clown | ORANGE | Arrives with balloons. Leaves with cake. Knows where you live (you invited him). |
| Mime | YELLOW | Can't call for backup. Usually stuck in an invisible box anyway. |
| Jack-in-the-box toy | YELLOW | Technically not a clown. Still jumped at me in 1984. I remember. |
| Rodeo clown | GREEN | Runs out in front of angry bulls to protect cowboys who got thrown. These guys are heroes and are officially exempt from this investigation. |
IF YOU ENCOUNTER A CLOWN
- Stay calm. They can smell fear. Also cotton candy.
- Do not accept a balloon.
- Do not look directly at the flower.
- Never get in the little car. You will not come out.
- Count them going in. Count them coming out. Write it down.
- Smile back. They can't tell the difference.
- Report the sighting to the Honk Files. See the Sighting Log.
CLASSIFIED MEMO FROM MY COUSIN VERONICA: Veronica paints faces and does clowning at kids' parties on weekends. She read this page and told me to tell everybody that clowns are regular nice people who just want to make kids laugh, and that I owe her twenty dollars. Which is EXACTLY what a clown would say. (The twenty dollars part is true, though. I'm working on it.)
AGENT'S OATH: No clowns have been harmed by this investigation. I'm scared of them, not mean to them.
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