WELCOME, TRAVELER!

Greetings! My name is Darius, I'm 14, and I'm a human from the state of Maryland, on the planet Earth. I'll be your guide.

This summer my Uncle Curtis took me to a LOT of space movies. We saw The Phantom Menace twice and The Iron Giant in August, and on the weekends we rented Independence Day, Men in Black, Close Encounters and E.T. on video. And I noticed something. In every single movie, the aliens show up on Earth with no idea what they're doing. They land in the wrong place. They don't know the customs. Half of them try to blow up the White House, which is about an hour from my house, so please don't.

Nobody ever gave those guys a travel guide. So I wrote one. If you're from another planet and thinking about a visit, read this first. If you're a human, read it anyway. You might learn something about yourself.

EARTH AT A GLANCE

WHERE TO LAND

DO NOT LAND:

• In my mom's tomato patch. She has been working on those tomatoes since April. If you land on them, I can't help you. Nobody can help you.
• On the White House. See Independence Day. It's been done, and it didn't go well for anybody.
• In the middle of a highway. Especially the Beltway at 5 p.m. You'll be stuck there longer than you've been in space.
• In New York City. According to Men in Black, there are already enough of you there.

GOOD PLACES TO LAND:

• A big empty field. Ask the farmer first. Farmers are nice but they don't like circles in their corn.
• A school parking lot on a Saturday. Nobody's there. Trust me, nobody wants to be there.
• Roswell, New Mexico. They have a whole UFO museum. They'd probably throw you a parade.
• My backyard. Left of the tomatoes. Way left. Next to the swing set.

HUMAN CUSTOMS EXPLAINED

The Handshake. When humans meet, they grab each other's right hand and move it up and down. Two or three times. NOT forty times. If you have tentacles, ask first. Firm, but don't crush anybody. My grandpa judges people entirely on this.

Birthdays. Once a year, on the day a human was born, the other humans bake a cake, stick little sticks in it, and set them on fire. Then they sing a song at the human, who has to stand there and take it. Then the human blows out the fire and makes a secret wish, and everybody eats the cake. Nobody on Earth knows why we do this. It's awesome. Go to as many as you can.

The Glowing Boxes. Almost every house has at least one box that glows and makes noise. It's called a TV. Every night the humans sit in front of it and stare. The most powerful object in any house is a small black stick called the remote control. Whoever holds it rules the house. In my house that's my dad. Do not touch the remote. I'm serious.

The Dog. You'll notice that a lot of houses have a dog, and the dog gets fed first, sleeps on the bed, and gets picked up after by the humans, who carry little bags for this. You'll think the dog is in charge. It's not. Probably. Our dog Duke would like you to think so. Scratch behind his ears and he'll let you in.

School. Young humans are sent to big buildings five days a week to learn things like math and history and how to sit still. It goes from about the end of August to June. The worst day is Monday. The best day is a snow day.

Lines. When humans want something, they stand one behind the other and wait their turn. Do NOT cut in line. On Earth this is basically the worst thing you can do. People who cut in line at the lunch room are never forgotten.

Sneezing. When a human sneezes, everybody nearby says "Bless you." The sneezer says "Thanks." I don't know why. Just go with it.

WHAT TO EAT

MONEY

In the United States we use dollars. The paper ones are all green and all the same size, so look at the number in the corner before you hand one over. George Washington is on the one-dollar bill.

The coins: the penny (1 cent, Abraham Lincoln), the nickel (5 cents, Thomas Jefferson), the dime (10 cents, Franklin Roosevelt), and the quarter (25 cents, George Washington again). Yes, the dime is smaller than the nickel and worth more. No, I can't explain it.

This year they started making quarters with a different state on the back, five new ones a year. So far I've found Delaware, Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Georgia. Maryland's comes out next year. If you find any, I'll trade you.

PHRASEBOOK

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: Do humans have antennas?
A: No. Only TVs and my uncle's car.

Q: Will the dog eat me?
A: Probably not. He might lick you. He licks everything.

Q: Are humans dangerous?
A: Mostly not. Avoid my mom before she's had her coffee, and anybody whose team just lost.

Q: Is there intelligent life on Earth?
A: Some. Try the library.

Q: Can I phone home from Earth?
A: E.T. built his phone out of a Speak & Spell and an umbrella and some other junk, so it's possible. But long distance is expensive. Call after 7 when it's cheaper.

Q: Can I come to school with you?
A: YES. Please. Especially on test days. Sit next to me.

Q: What's the best day to visit?
A: Saturday. Cartoons, pancakes, no school. Not Monday. Never Monday.

Q: What's the Internet?
A: It's where you're reading this. My mom says I'm on it too much. I say I'm doing research for aliens.

MY RATING OF EARTH FOUR ROCKETS OUT OF FIVE Great food, good people, nice weather (mostly), excellent dogs. One rocket off for school on Mondays.

Already visited? Read the Postcards from Visitors!
Send me your own postcard from Earth, written as an alien, and I'll put it up.

Visitors from across the galaxy:

(and at least 4 from Maryland, hi Uncle Curtis)

Contact your guide: [email protected]
Last updated Saturday, September 25, 1999