Welcome, and please keep your hands and feet inside the page at all times.

For thirty-four years I taught chemistry at a public high school here in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, and for thirty-four years I opened every class with a pun. The students groaned. I considered that participation. I retired in June of 1997, and my wife Marlys informed me that she was not going to be my new audience every morning at breakfast, so my grandson set me up with this page instead. Now the whole world can groan. Progress!

Every pun below is rated on the official Groan-O-Meter, from (G) for a polite sigh up to (GGGGG), which is when my wife leaves the room. Click an element to jump to that category.

1. Ch — Chemistry

• I assigned a mole project every spring for thirty-four years. Half the class brought in a stuffed animal. The other half brought in 6.02 x 10²³ excuses. (GGG)
• My wife wants to know why I still keep a box of old test tubes in the garage. I told her it's for sediment-al reasons. (GGGG)
• At my retirement party the staff gave me a sheet cake shaped like a Bunsen burner. Everybody agreed it was a real gas. (GG)
• Last month the custodian at school found a whole carton of my old safety goggles in a closet and asked if I wanted them back. I told him I'd look into it. (GGG)
• My granddaughter asked me what element number 26 is. I said "Fe," and she said "fi, fo, fum," and I have never been prouder of anyone in my life. (G)
• I dropped a whole beaker of table salt in front of third hour once. The kids waited for me to blow up. I took it with a grain of it. (GGGG)

2. Fd — Food & Potluck

• Our church potluck in August had six different Jell-O salads on one table. I call that a wobbly majority. (GGG)
• I asked the fellow at the cheese shop out on the highway whether his smoked Gouda was any good. He said he'd stake his whole curd-ibility on it. (GGGG)
• The orchard wanted four dollars for a little peck of Cortlands. I said that seemed awfully pome-pous. Marlys made me wait in the car. (GGGGG)
• Marlys's rhubarb pie took a blue ribbon at the county fair, and she's been a little tart with the rest of us ever since. (GG)
• I was doing so well on my diet until my sister-in-law brought over a kringle. It made a very flaky argument, but a convincing one. (GGG)
• People who visit this page e-mail me the same bratwurst pun about once a week. I have now received it thirty-eight times. It is still the wurst, and I still laugh. (G)

3. Cr — Critters

• Our cat Mittens walked across my Sunday crossword and put a paw print in 14 Down. I'd call it a purr-fect answer, but it was wrong, and she refuses to admit it. (GG)
• A deer ate every one of Marlys's hostas in July. We'd take him to court, but we hear he has a good doe-fense and a lot of bucks. (GGGG)
• Two Canada geese have been living by the pond at our condo for two years and have never once paid the association fee. The board sent them a letter. The geese said they'd take it under their wing. (GGG)
• Took the grandkids fishing and we caught nothing but a sunburn. Eli said the fish just weren't hooked on the idea. Hannah said the fish weren't hooked on Grandpa. (GG)
• I've been building birdhouses in the garage all summer. Marlys calls it my cheep labor. (GGG)

4. Wx — Wisconsin Weather

• The TV weatherman promised us a mild winter. I told Marlys it sounded like a snow job to me. She said so is the driveway, and handed me the shovel. (GGG)
• Lake-effect snow dropped a foot on our side of the street and nothing on the other side. I'd call that a flaky forecast. (GG)
• My brother-in-law moved to Arizona and keeps telling me it's a dry heat. So is his sense of humor. (G)
• Last January was so cold the mercury in our porch thermometer tried to move in with us. Marlys said it was a matter of degree. (GGGG)

5. Rt — Retirement

• Everybody told me retirement meant no more tests. My doctor didn't get the memo. (GG)
• I joined the Tuesday bowling league with three other retired science teachers. We call the team the Noble Gases, because we don't react to much of anything anymore. (GGGG)
• Marlys says I spend too much time on the computer. I told her I'm just trying to stay connected. The modem says otherwise. (GG)
• I tried to take up golf this spring, but I found it to be a real hole in my budget and a real sand trap for my patience. (GGG)

6. Gk — Grandkids' Originals

These were made up entirely by my grandchildren, and they would like credit.

• Eli, 9: What's Grandpa's favorite element? Zzz. It comes right after lunch. (GGG) Accurate. — V.A.
• Hannah, 7: What did the sock say to the foot? You're putting me on! (GG)
• Eli, 9: Why did the pencil go to bed early? Because it was all worn down to the point. (GGG)

On to element 7: puns from my former students, graded >>