Hi!! My name is Suzanne and I am 9 and I am in 4th grade. My dad tells a corny joke every morning at breakfast before the bus comes. EVERY morning. He says it is "his job as a father." So I started writing them down in a notebook, and I rate them, and now they are on the Internet so everybody can see how corny they are. Mom helped me make this page. She did the typing for the long parts but I told her every word.

My little brother Justin rates them too. Justin is 4. He gives every joke a 5 because he is 4.

My Rating Rules

Every joke gets 0 to 5 ears of corn. The computer doesn't have a picture of an ear of corn so I use popcorn. Popcorn IS corn, so it counts. Dad says that is a joke too. It is NOT.

(5)	So funny milk came out of my nose. (This has never happened.)
(4)	I laughed for real.
(3)	I smiled but I tried not to.
(2)	I got it. That's all.
(1)	I groaned.
NO CORN!	I ate my cereal and did not even look up.

Extra rules:

• It has to be told at breakfast, before the bus. Jokes at dinner do not count.
• Dad has to make it up himself. No joke books and no jokes from the radio. He says he makes them up in the shower. (That is why he takes so long.)
• If he laughs before he gets to the end, minus 1 corn.
• If I have to ask what it means, minus 1 corn. A joke you have to explain is not a joke, it is a lesson.
• If he already told it before, it is an automatic NO CORN.
• Only school days. On Saturday and Sunday he is allowed to rest.

September 1999

Wednesday, September 1 Dad: What did the toaster say to the bread? Answer: "Pop in anytime!" Me: (3)   Justin: 5 Good start to the month. It was short, which helps.

Thursday, September 2 Dad: Why did the French toast get on the school bus? Answer: It wanted to go to French class. Me: (1)   Justin: 5 We don't even HAVE French class. We have Spanish on Thursdays.

Friday, September 3 Dad: Why did the class hamster run for president? Answer: He had a lot of running experience. Me: (4)   Justin: 5 Our class hamster is named Pickles and he runs on his wheel ALL NIGHT. So this one was also true. Four corn!! I told it at school and my teacher laughed.

Monday, September 6 was Labor Day. No school, so no joke. Dad told one at the cookout anyway and it does not count, and I am not putting it here, because it was about hamburgers and it was bad.

Tuesday, September 7 Dad: What did the lunch box say to the thermos? Answer: "How do you stay so cool AND so hot at the same time?" Me: (2)   Justin: 5 It's true, my thermos does both. But that is science, not funny. MOM SAYS: I liked this one. ME: You like all of them, you married him.

Wednesday, September 8 Dad: Why are rain boots so good at keeping secrets? Answer: They never leak. Me: (3)   Justin: 5 It was pouring rain and I was wearing my rain boots so the timing was good. Dad gets 1 corn for the joke and 2 for the timing.

Thursday, September 9 Dad: Why did the alarm clock get sent to its room? Answer: It went off without asking. Me: (3)   Justin: 5 Justin got sent to his room the day before for going outside without asking, so he thought this joke was about him and he got mad. Then he gave it a 5 anyway.

Friday, September 10 Dad: What did the banana say to the alarm clock? Answer: "Five more minutes. I'm not ripe yet." Me: (2)   Justin: 5 TWO alarm clock jokes in a row. Dad says it is a "theme." I say it is lazy.

Monday, September 13 Dad: No joke today. Dad was very quiet at breakfast because the Browns lost their first game back. So Mom told the joke instead: Mom: Why did the egg get to be line leader? Answer: It had a sunny side. Me: (3)   Justin: 5   Dad: 1 (he was grumpy) Mom's jokes don't count but I rated it anyway because it was better than most of his.

Tuesday, September 14 Dad: Why did the pancake go to the library? Answer: To read up on the stacks. Me: (2)   Justin: 5 I had to ask what "stacks" are. They are the big shelves where the library keeps the books. Minus 1 corn for having to explain it. It would have been a 3.

Wednesday, September 15 Dad: Why did the library book go to the doctor? Answer: It had a bad case of the overdues. Me: (1)   Justin: 5 Dad. We JUST did the library.

Thursday, September 16 (Picture Day) Dad: Why did the camera get sent to the principal's office? Answer: It kept snapping at people. Me: (2)   Justin: 5 It was Picture Day so at least it was on time. I wore my green dress with the white collar. Justin wore syrup.

Friday, September 17 Dad: Why did the stapler get picked first for kickball? Answer: Because it holds the whole team together. Me: (1)   Justin: 5 Nobody would pick a stapler for kickball. It can't kick. It doesn't even have legs.

Monday, September 20 Dad: Why did the leaf go to the school nurse? Answer: It was turning a little red. Me: (3)   Justin: 5 The maple tree in our front yard is doing this right now, on the top part. So it is a nature joke. My teacher would like it.

Tuesday, September 21 Dad: Why did my two neckties have to share the trophy? Answer: It was a tie. Me: NO CORN!   Justin: 5 He held up both ties while he said it. It was still a zero. Justin gave it a 5 and tried to wear one of them to preschool. MOM SAYS: That is my favorite tie and it has jelly on it now.

Wednesday, September 22 Dad: Why did the buckeye get invited to every party? Answer: Because it was a real nut. Me: (2)   Justin: 5 We collect buckeyes in the fall and keep them in a jar. (You can't eat them. Don't.) Two corn because it was about Ohio and I like Ohio.

Thursday, September 23 Dad: Why did the bus driver bring a ladder to work? Answer: She heard she was driving the high school bus. Me: (2)   Justin: 5 Our bus driver is nice and she does not need a ladder. I told her the joke anyway. She said, "Oh, honey."

Friday, September 24 Dad: Why did the school bell go to the doctor? Answer: It had a ringing in its ears. Me: (2)   Justin: 5 Bells don't have ears. But I thought about it on the bus and I smiled a little, so I am changing it from a 1 to a 2. Don't tell him.

SEPTEMBER SCORE SO FAR: 17 school days, 16 jokes from Dad and 1 from Mom. Dad's average is about 2 corn. Justin's average is 5. Mom's average is 3, from 1 joke, so Mom is winning, but Dad says one joke is "not enough data." He is an engineer. (I am not changing it.)

BEST JOKE OF THE SUMMER!!! Tuesday, July 20, at breakfast on the back porch Dad: Why did the firefly get kicked out of the movie theater? Answer: It wouldn't turn its light off. Me: (5) Justin: 5 The ONLY five I gave all summer. Fireflies are my favorite bug, and we went to the movies that weekend, and I laughed so hard I had to put my spoon down. (Milk did not come out of my nose but it was close.) MOM SAYS: He was so proud he told it at work.

MY Jokes (They Are Better)

I make up jokes too. Mine are better. Dad rates mine back now, which is only fair, but he is not a fair rater.

I am working on one about a cat who is a crossing guard. It is not done yet.

Go to the SUMMER ARCHIVE (June, July and August)

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Most of you are my aunts.

Send me your dad's corny jokes and I will rate them!!
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(My mom reads the mail first.)

Last updated Friday, September 24, 1999