My search so far

For other birth mothers

If you placed a baby years ago and you've never told a soul, I want you to know you're not alone. There are thousands of us. Here's what I've learned. I'm not a lawyer, and the rules are different in every state, so please check what applies where your child was born.

• Register everywhere you can. Mutual consent registries only work if both of you sign up, so sign up and keep your address current. The International Soundex Reunion Registry is free. Many states run their own registry too. Ask the state where your child was born.
• Write to the agency or the attorney who handled the adoption. Ask for the non-identifying information, and ask them to put a letter and your current address in the file. If you move, write again.
• Know the law where your child was born. In most states the original birth certificate is sealed, and adoptees can't get it without a court order. A few states are different. I live in Kansas, where adult adoptees can get their original birth certificate, but my son was born in Missouri, where they can't. Some states have confidential intermediaries who can search for you and ask the other person quietly whether they want contact.
• Find other birth mothers. Concerned United Birthparents (CUB) has support meetings and a newsletter. The Adoptees' Liberty Movement Association (ALMA) also keeps a registry. Having people who understand makes a world of difference.
• Be ready for any answer. Some reunions are wonderful, some are slow, some adoptees need time or say no. A counselor who understands adoption can help you get ready for all of it. Mine helped me more than I can say.
• Be gentle with yourself. You made the best decision you could with what you had. That's all anybody can do.

If you need somebody to talk to, write me. I mean it. [email protected]