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VOL. 1, NO. 22 PRICE: ONE TREAT THE WHISKER WEEKLY If It Moves, We Cover It. If It Sleeps, We Sit On It. RICHMOND, VA.  ·  SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 1999  ·  PUBLISHED EVERY SUNDAY BY OTIS, MABEL & PUDDING

SHOCKING! SUNBEAM MOVES ACROSS LIVING ROOM!  *  EXCLUSIVE! DOG NEXT DOOR SEEN AT WINDOW!

EXCLUSIVE! VACUUM SCANDAL! THE BEAST RETURNS FOR THIRD TIME THIS MONTH Tall One Calls It "Cleaning." Staff Calls It What It Is. By OTIS, Editor-in-Chief At 10:14 Saturday morning, without warning, the hall closet door opened and the Roaring Beast was dragged into the living room for the THIRD time in September. Staff reacted with courage and dignity. Pudding was in the bathtub within two seconds. Mabel went under the bed and did not come out until 1:30 in the afternoon. This Editor held his position on the back of the couch for a full eleven seconds, a newsroom record, before making a strategic withdrawal to the top of the refrigerator. The Tall One claims the Beast was used for "cleaning" and that the rug "needed it." This newspaper asks: Needed it for WHAT? The rug was fine. The rug was covered in excellent orange fur that took this Editor most of the summer to put there. WHAT THE BEAST ATE: The Whisker Weekly has learned that during Saturday's attack the Beast swallowed one (1) hair tie, an unknown quantity of Pudding's fur, and a toy mouse believed to belong to Mabel. The mouse has not been seen since. Mabel has been informed. Mabel has been very quiet. THIS NEWSPAPER DEMANDS: 1. Twenty-four hours' advance notice of all Beast appearances. 2. The Beast to live in the garage from now on, where it belongs, with the other loud things. 3. One treat per cat per incident, retroactive to September 1. The Tall One could not be reached for comment, because she was vacuuming.

THE WEEKLY SUNBEAM FORECAST By OTIS, who has studied the matter from every angle BIG NEWS IN THE SKY: The Tall One says something called the Equinox happened on Thursday, and now the sun is lower in the sky. Staff did not believe her. Staff has since checked. The living room sunbeam now reaches ALL THE WAY across the rug to the foot of the bookcase, nearly a whole foot farther than in August. This is the best weather news this newspaper has printed since May. And the Tall One says it keeps getting longer until winter. We have never loved winter before. We are open to it. DAY WHERE & WHEN RATING Mon. Kitchen floor, 8:10 to 9:00 a.m. Living room rug, 11:30 to 2:15. 4 PAWS Tue. Cloudy. SUNBEAM WATCH in effect. Stay near the window and be ready. 1 PAW Wed. Living room rug, noon to 2:30. Tall One's side of the bed, 3:00 to 4:15. (She will not know.) 5 PAWS Thu. Partly sunny. Small beam on the bathroom tile around 10. Tile is cold. Proceed with caution. 2 PAWS Fri. Living room rug, 11:30 to 2:30, all the way to the bookcase. One beam, three cats. Expect conflict. 5 PAWS Sat. Sunny, BUT the Tall One is home and may open the closet. See lead story. Beam at your own risk. 3 PAWS Sun. Laundry basket by the back window, whenever the Tall One leaves clean towels in it. She always does. 5 PAWS

SPORTS PUDDING DOES IT AGAIN!!! 3 A.M. HALLWAY RACES: FOUR WINS IN SEVEN NIGHTS By PUDDING, Sports Editor (and also the winner) WHAT A WEEK, SPORTS FANS!!! The course is the same as always: from the bedroom door, down the hall, around the bathroom rug, and back, approximately thirty feet, all races starting at approximately 3 a.m. I won four times! Otis won once! Mabel won once, on Thursday, when she started early, which I am NOT saying is cheating, I am only saying it is a fact!!! NIGHT WINNER NOTES Sun. Pudding By a whole tail. Clean race. Mon. Pudding Skidded on the bathroom rug and still won!! Tue. Otis He is very big and he takes up the whole hallway. I am just saying. Wed. No contest The Tall One said "GUYS" at 3:12 a.m. Race called off. Thu. Mabel Started early. (A fact.) Fri. Pudding Ran it twice for fun. Won both. Only counting one. Sat. Pudding Jumped over Otis at the turn. CROWD GOES WILD. SEASON STANDINGS (147 nights since May 2) Pudding 88 Otis 31 Mabel 19 No contest (Tall One woke up) 9 Editor's note: The Editor won on Tuesday and would like it in the record that he was not trying. —O.

DEAR MABEL Advice and Gossip from Our Tortoiseshell Correspondent, Who Hears Everything From Under the Bed Dear Mabel, The Tall One put my favorite box out with the recycling. It was a perfect box. What do I do? —Boxless in the Bedroom Dear Boxless, Sit in the recycling bin. It is now your box, and it is bigger. Also, I know who you are, and you are gray, and you are young, and you sleep on my blanket. —M. Dear Mabel, A small red dot appears on the wall in the evenings. I have chased it for months. I have never caught it. Is it me? —Frustrated in the Front Room Dear Frustrated, Nobody has ever caught the red dot. Not one cat in history. But this columnist has reason to believe that the red dot lives in the Tall One's hand. Do not watch the dot. Watch the hand. —M. Dear Mabel, The Dog Next Door stares at me through the side window every afternoon at 4:30. What does he want? —Concerned on the Windowsill Dear Concerned, He wants to be you. Everyone does. Sit perfectly still and blink at him very slowly. It drives dogs out of their minds. —M. MABEL HEARD IT: The Tall One was overheard on the telephone Wednesday night saying she "might" get "a fourth cat, maybe, someday." This columnist has NO comment at this time. (This columnist has a great many comments, and they will all be made at 3 a.m.)

THE HAIR-TIE TALLY Hair ties batted under the refrigerator, as reported to this newspaper THIS WEEK NO. Batted under by Pudding 3 Batted under by Otis 1 Batted under by Mabel 0 (she says) Rescued by the Tall One with the yardstick, Thursday 7 SEASON (SINCE MAY 2) NO. Batted under 52 Rescued with the yardstick 41 Still under there 11 Not counted: the one the Beast ate. See lead story. We will never forget.

NEWS IN BRIEF MOTH IN KITCHEN! A large moth was sighted near the ceiling light Tuesday at 9:40 p.m. All three staff gave chase. The moth escaped behind the toaster and remains at large. Do not approach. Actually, approach. FALL ARRIVES. The Tall One said "it finally feels like fall" on Wednesday and opened the bedroom window. Window: OPEN. New smells reported: 41. Leaves: one. It blew in. Pudding has it. BIRD WATCH. Cardinals at the feeder this week: 6 sightings. Chickadees: 4. Squirrels: too many to print. This newspaper continues to oppose squirrels. DOG NEXT DOOR AT WINDOW (EXCLUSIVE!) The Dog Next Door was seen at his own side window five afternoons this week, staring at this house. The Tall One calls him "Duke." He is large and tan and has never once been in a sunbeam, as far as we can tell. We feel sorry for him. A little. See Dear Mabel.

EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS! The Dog Next Door at the window! The Beast in its lair! Pudding inside a grocery bag! COMING SOON, WHEN THE FILM COMES BACK. The Tall One took a whole roll and dropped it off at the drugstore. She says the pictures will be ready Tuesday, and that she is "getting a scanner one of these days." This newspaper has heard that before.

CLASSIFIEDS WANTED: One (1) closet door, left open. Not the Beast closet. A different one. Will pay in purrs. —O. INFORMATION WANTED: One toy mouse, gray, felt ears, last seen Saturday near the Beast. No questions asked. —M. LOST: Pudding's dignity. Last seen inside a grocery bag, Monday. Reward. —M. FREE TO GOOD HOME: Dry food, the brown kind. Nobody likes it. Bowl by the dishwasher. —All staff

THE WHISKER WEEKLY STAFF Otis, Editor-in-Chief (big, orange, 16 pounds, in charge) Mabel, Gossip & Advice (tortoiseshell, hears everything) Pudding, Sports (gray, one year old, fast) Typed by the Tall One, who has the thumbs BACK ISSUES: September 5, 12 and 19 Letters to the Editor, tips and dog sightings: [email protected] Readers this year: Last updated Sunday, September 26, 1999. Next issue Sunday, October 3. Same time, same rug.