THE OFFICIAL VISITOR'S GUIDE · 1999 EDITION
GREETINGS FROM
APARTMENT 3B!
Dayton's Most Exciting One-Bedroom
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Welcome, traveler!
Thank you for choosing Apartment 3B as your vacation destination. Whether you're here for a weekend, an afternoon, or just to drop off a casserole (Mom), we know you'll find something to love in our nearly 600 square feet of excitement.
I'm Trisha, and I'm the Apartment 3B Convention & Visitors Bureau. I graduated from college in May (English major, you may now laugh), I answer the phones at an insurance agency, and on June 1 I moved into my very first apartment, all by myself. My mom said I should write down how it feels to be on my own. I made a tourism brochure instead. Enjoy your stay!
— Trisha Moyer, Director of Tourism, Head Chef, and Maintenance (Light Duty)
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| QUICK FACTS |
Established: June 1, 1999
Population: 1 (2 on weekends when Jaime visits; 0 from 8 to 5 on weekdays)
Area: About 580 square feet, including closets
Elevation: Third floor. No elevator. Bring your legs.
Climate: Tropical near the radiator, arctic near the window
Nickname: The Gem of the Gem City
Admission: Free (rent: not free)
Official bird: The pigeon on the air conditioner, whose name is Frank, and who has never once paid rent
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1. The Leaning Tower of Laundry
Bedroom, northeast corner
Rising majestically from the corner of the bedroom, the Leaning Tower has stood since mid-June, when the trip to the laundry room in the basement first became too much to face. Its exact height changes weekly. It currently leans about fifteen degrees to the east and is believed to be held up by a single hooded sweatshirt. Visitors are asked not to touch the Tower. It is load-bearing.
 UPDATE, Sept. 19: The Tower was demolished this morning by my mother while I was in the shower. Reconstruction is expected shortly. See the Visitor Log.
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* * * *
Open daily
Laundry hours: whenever I run out of socks |
2. The Scenic Window Overlook
Living room, west wall
From the Overlook, visitors enjoy breathtaking views of the parking lot, the dumpster enclosure, and on a clear day, the sign of the grocery store two blocks over. Sunsets are spectacular, especially as reflected off the windshield of the maroon Buick that has been parked in space 14 since I moved in and has never once moved. Bring binoculars. Don't wave at the man in the Buick. There is no man in the Buick. That's what makes it interesting.
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* * *
Best viewed at sunset
Blinds stick halfway |
3. The Hall of Mismatched Mugs
Kitchen, cabinet above the sink
Eleven mugs. No two alike. The collection includes a rose-patterned mug from my grandmother, a mug from a bank that no longer exists, two from college (one says I SURVIVED FINALS WEEK, which is a lie, nobody does), a mug from the agency with the company name on it, a mug shaped like a cow, and one mug that I'm fairly sure belongs to Jaime and that Jaime says belongs to me. The cow mug is not for coffee. The cow mug is for looking at.
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* * * * *
Guided tours available
Mugs may not be removed |
4. The Historic Hand-Me-Down Couch
Living room, center
Built around 1978, upholstered in brown and harvest-gold plaid, the couch served in my parents' basement for twenty years before its donation to the Apartment 3B collection. It has survived four moves, two dogs and my brother. It sags in the middle in the exact shape of my dad. Visitors are welcome to sit, but please understand that the couch keeps what falls into it. Artifacts recovered so far: $1.35 in change, two pens, a hair clip, a TV Guide from 1994 and one sock (see Attraction #1).
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On the National Register of Things Mom Wanted Out of the Basement |
The Futon Suite
Living room, by the Overlook
Apartment 3B offers one deluxe guest accommodation: the futon. Reserve early. The Futon Suite sleeps one comfortably and two if you're related. It converts from a couch into a bed in a process that takes two people, four minutes and some language. The middle bar can be felt from any position. Turn-down service is not available, but the Director of Tourism will throw you a blanket and a pillow from the closet, and Frank the pigeon offers a wake-up call at approximately 6:15 a.m.
Rates: Free with a bag of groceries. Free with a pizza. Free, period, if you're my mother.
Check-out time: Whenever you smell coffee.
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The Apartment 3B kitchen seats one, standing. Our executive chef is proud to offer the following signature dishes, all tested on herself.
Toaster Oven Pizza Bagels serves 1, or 1 and a half
Split a plain bagel in half. Spread each half with a spoonful of spaghetti sauce from the jar. Top with a handful of shredded mozzarella and four slices of pepperoni each. Bake in the toaster oven at 400° for 7 to 8 minutes, until the cheese bubbles and gets brown spots. Let it cool for one minute or you'll burn the roof of your mouth. You will not wait one minute. Nobody does.
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Fancy Ramen serves 1, costs about 40 cents
Bring 2 cups of water to a boil in a small pot. Add the noodles from one package of instant ramen and a handful of frozen peas and cook 3 minutes. Turn the heat down low, crack in an egg, and stir gently until the egg cooks into ribbons, about 1 minute. Stir in half the flavor packet (the whole packet is a lot of salt) and a few drops of soy sauce. Eat it out of the pot while standing at the Overlook. That's what makes it fancy.
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Mom's Tuna Noodle Casserole, Scaled Down serves 1 for four days
Cook 4 ounces of egg noodles until just tender and drain. Stir together 1 can of cream of mushroom soup, 1/2 cup of milk, 1 can of tuna (drained), 1/2 cup of frozen peas, and a little pepper. Mix in the noodles, put it all in a small baking dish, and crush a handful of potato chips over the top. Bake at 350° for 25 minutes, until it bubbles at the edges. Note: the Apartment 3B oven heats to what it believes is 350°. Check it at 20.
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The Takeout Drawer
Kitchen, second drawer from the left
For guests seeking a more international experience, the Takeout Drawer features menus from: the Chinese place on the corner (20 minutes, ask for extra fortune cookies, they don't mind), two pizza places (one is better, one is open later, you'll learn which is which), a sub shop, and a Thai restaurant that I am saving for when I get my raise in January. Also in the Takeout Drawer: rubber bands, soy sauce packets numbering in the dozens, and the instructions for the toaster oven, which I have never read.
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| Daily, 7:10 a.m. | The Running of the Hot Water. The building has one water heater and twelve apartments. The first one in the shower wins. The traditional cry of "AAAH" can be heard throughout the third floor at 7:25. |
| Every Tuesday, 8 to 10 p.m. | The Bowling League. Held upstairs in 4B. I have never met the man who lives in 4B. I have never seen a bowling ball go up the stairs. And yet every Tuesday night, from about eight until ten, something heavy rolls across his floor from one end to the other and hits something. I have stopped asking questions. I keep score. |
| Thursday mornings | Trash Day Parade. Residents carry their bags down three flights in the traditional manner, before the truck comes at 7. |
| 1st of every month | The Festival of Rent. A solemn observance. A check is delivered to the office by 5 p.m. and the checkbook is consulted gravely. |
| Sept. 3–9 (past) | The Smoke Detector Chirp Festival. One chirp every forty seconds for seven days, because the battery was low and the smoke detector is on a ten-foot ceiling and I don't own a ladder. Concluded with a visit from Grover in maintenance. See the Visitor Log. |
| October through April | Radiator Season! The building's boiler is expected to come on sometime in October, at which point the radiators will begin their famous clanking, banging and hissing, said to resemble a freight train full of angry cats. The living room becomes a tropical paradise. The bathroom does not. Dress in layers. |
| October 31 | Halloween. Expected trick-or-treaters: 0 (third floor). Candy purchased anyway: 1 bag. Candy remaining by November 1: also 0. |
| Thanksgiving | Closed for the holiday. The staff will be at her mother's, eating real food. |
Not to scale. Nothing in Apartment 3B is to scale.
BEDROOM
Leaning Tower of Laundry (NE corner)
Bed (unmade, historic) |
BATHROOM
Door sticks (see Tips)
Hot water: first come, first served |
LIVING ROOM
Historic Couch
Futon Suite
TV and VCR
Scenic Window Overlook (W wall)
Radiator (tropical zone) |
KITCHEN
Hall of Mismatched Mugs
Takeout Drawer
Toaster oven (fine dining)
Oven (optimistic) |
| ENTRY HALL Coat hooks (3) · Mail on the floor · * YOU ARE HERE * · Door to third-floor landing · Stairs (the third one from the top squeaks) |
VISITOR TIPS
- The bathroom door sticks. Lift up on the knob and push with your hip. To get out, lift up on the knob and pull with your whole self. If you are stuck, knock twice and the staff will assist.
- Don't run the microwave and the toaster oven at the same time. The breaker box is in the bedroom closet behind the Christmas decorations.
- The hot water is the handle on the right in the kitchen and the left in the bathroom. I don't know why either.
- Visitor parking is by the dumpster. We apologize.
- The third stair from the top squeaks. That's how I know you're coming. That's also how 4B knows.
- Bring your own pillow if you are particular about pillows.
- Do not feed Frank. I'm serious. He tells the others.
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Who's been here? Read the official Apartment 3B Visitor Log!
Mom, Jaime, my cousin Bryan, and Grover from maintenance have all signed in.
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Tourists welcomed to Apartment 3B on the Web:
   
Write to the Visitors Bureau:
[email protected]
Last updated Sunday, September 19, 1999
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