Happy birthday, Bradys!

Thirty years ago tonight, on a Friday night in 1969, ABC showed the very first episode of The Brady Bunch. It was called The Honeymoon, and it was the one where Mike and Carol get married in the backyard and the cat and the dog wreck the whole wedding. It is Sunday as I type this, and I have the orange shag-carpet afghan my mother crocheted in 1974 over my lap for the occasion. I feel that is the least I can do.

My name is Joni Hitt. I'm 35, I'm a payroll clerk in Fresno, and I am the middle one of three sisters. My big sister Rhonda had the long straight hair and the boyfriends and the good grades. My little sister Sheila had the curls, the lisp, and everybody wrapped around her little finger. And then there was me. I think you can see where this is going.

I was five when the show started, so I don't really remember it new. Where we grew up on it was the reruns after school. The three of us would come in the back door, drop our books, pour the Kool-Aid and sit in a row on the floor in front of the Zenith in the exact order of the Brady girls: Rhonda on the left, me in the middle, Sheila on the right. Nobody planned it. It just happened that way every day for about seven years.

So this page is for the Bradys on their thirtieth birthday. You'll find the whole bunch with a line each, my six favorite episodes, the shows and movies that came after, and a quiz to tell you which Brady you are. And on a page of its own, something I have wanted to say since about 1975: In Defense of Jan.

Meet the Bunch

MIKE BRADY (Robert Reed). An architect and a widower with three boys, and the dad who always had a little talk ready in the den. Robert Reed came from serious acting (he was one of the lawyers on The Defenders before this), and he came back for every Brady reunion they ever made. He died in 1992, at only 59. I still think of him every time my husband clears his throat in the doorway before a little talk with our daughter. Rest easy, Mr. Brady.

CAROL BRADY (Florence Henderson). A widow with three girls, the nicest mom on television, and a real singer: she was on Broadway before she was ever a Brady. That shag haircut in the later seasons was a choice, and I respect it.

GREG (Barry Williams). The oldest boy. Football, guitar, girls, and eventually the attic bedroom, which Marcia also wanted. Barry Williams wrote a book about growing up on the show a few years ago, and Rhonda read it in one night and called me at eleven o'clock to tell me things.

MARCIA (Maureen McCormick). The oldest girl. Class president, cheerleader, head of every committee, and that hair. I have nothing against Marcia personally. I just know what it is like to have one.

PETER (Christopher Knight). The middle boy, and the only person in that house who understood Jan, though neither of them ever said so. His voice changed in the middle of a recording session once, and I have loved him for it ever since.

JAN (Eve Plumb). The middle girl. Blonde, freckles, glasses she wouldn't wear, and the most honest person in the family. I have a whole page about her: In Defense of Jan.

BOBBY (Mike Lookinland). The youngest boy, with a get-rich-quick plan every other week. Bobby was the one who would sell you hair tonic out of the garage.

CINDY (Susan Olsen). The youngest one in the curls. A tattletale with a lisp and a doll named Kitty Karry-All. My sister Sheila is 31 now, has two children and a mortgage, and is still a Cindy. She knows it.

ALICE (Ann B. Davis). The housekeeper in the blue uniform, the smartest person in the house, and the one with a boyfriend who was a butcher, Sam, who took his sweet time about everything. Ann B. Davis had already won two Emmys on The Bob Cummings Show before the Bradys ever met her.

TIGER (a dog). The boys' shaggy dog. He was around in the early episodes (he's the real culprit in the Kitty Karry-All mystery) and then, somewhere along the line, he just wasn't. His doghouse stayed in the backyard for years. We used to argue about where he went. Sheila still won't discuss it.

My Six Favorite Episodes
(Not counting the Jan ones. Those are on Jan's page.)

By the Numbers

117 episodes over five seasons, from September 26, 1969 to March 8, 1974, on Friday nights on ABC. It was never a giant hit while it was on. Then it went into reruns and never, ever left. I would bet money it is on somewhere in America right now.

And after the show ended, the Bradys kept coming back:

• The Brady Kids (1972), a Saturday morning cartoon, while the real show was still on.
• The Brady Bunch Hour (1976), a variety show with singing and dancing and a swimming pool. With a different actress playing Jan. We'll talk about that on Jan's page.
• The Brady Brides (1981), Marcia and Jan married and sharing a house. It didn't last.
• A Very Brady Christmas (1988), the TV movie with everybody grown up. I cried at the end. So did my mother, and she was the one who never liked the show.
• The Bradys (1990), a serious drama, with problems. Our family does not talk about this one either.
• The Brady Bunch Movie (1995), with Shelley Long and Gary Cole as Carol and Mike, and the Bradys still living in the seventies in the middle of 1990s Los Angeles. I laughed so hard at the theater the man in front of me turned around. It got Jan exactly right.
• A Very Brady Sequel (1996), same cast, and they go to Hawaii, of course.

Which Brady Are You?
Get a pencil and a scrap of paper. Write down your letter for each question, and then count up which letter you got most.

1. It's Saturday morning. You are...
a) out in the driveway with a ball and three friends
b) on the phone, and it's important
c) in the garage building something that may or may not work
d) reading in your room with the door shut, thank you
e) selling something to the neighbors
f) telling Mom what everybody else is doing

2. The family is going on vacation. Your job is...
a) driving, if they'll let you
b) planning what everybody wears
c) the camera
d) noticing the one thing everybody forgot
e) finding the gift shop
f) asking if we're there yet

3. Somebody breaks a lamp in the living room. You...
a) organize a cover-up
b) weren't even home
c) did it, and feel just terrible
d) know exactly who did it and say nothing, which is worse
e) offer to glue it, for a small fee
f) tell

4. Your dream is to be...
a) a star (sports, music, either one)
b) the most popular person in school
c) taken seriously for once
d) noticed, for yourself, not because of somebody else
e) rich
f) on television

5. Pick a seat on the couch.
a) the end, so you can leave fast
b) the middle, where everybody can see you
c) wherever there's room
d) the arm. Not really on the couch at all
e) the floor, closest to the snacks
f) somebody's lap

I took my own quiz and got four d's and an f. Rhonda took it and got five b's, and then said the quiz was rigged, which, okay, it might be a little.

Other Groovy Places

If you were a kid in the seventies, go see Doug's Saturday Morning Memories, a few doors down, all about the cartoons and cereal and Saturday mornings of the 1970s. Bring a bowl.