Every Tuesday since the spring of 1998, four of us and whoever else shows up play GoldenEye on the N64 in our living room. That's me (Raf), my roommates Hector and Marty, our friend Quentin who we call Q even though he can't fix anything, and Hector's girlfriend Lena, who started coming in January and has won more Tuesdays than any of us, which we have all agreed to never talk about.

After a year and a half of arguments we finally wrote the rules down. They're taped to the side of the TV. This is the official copy. If there is a dispute, this page wins, unless Lena disagrees.

The cheats page has the unlock times and who has what.

1. NO ODDJOB.
He's short. You shoot right over his hat. Everybody knows it. Nobody picks Oddjob. The only exception: if you are down by ten kills or more, you may petition the couch for Oddjob. The couch will say no.

2. NO SCREEN-WATCHING.
Four players means the TV is cut into four squares and everybody can see where everybody is. Looking at somebody else's square is the worst crime in this apartment. Penalty: next round you play with the Klobb and nothing else. Marty has been caught nine times. He claims he "just looks around".

3. THE KLOBB IS A PUNISHMENT, NOT A WEAPON.
See rule 2.

4. NO CAMPING THE BATHROOM ON FACILITY.
You know the stalls. You know who you are. (Hector.)

5. NO PROXIMITY MINES ON THE BODY ARMOR.
It's mean and it isn't clever anymore. You can mine anything else. Doors are fair. Doors are always fair.

6. SLAPPERS ONLY, 11 P.M., TEMPLE.
One round, every Tuesday, no weapons, just slapping. It's mandatory. It's tradition. It's the best ten minutes of the week.

7. LICENCE TO KILL IS NOT A DEFAULT.
One-hit kills are fun for one round. Then it's just who shoots first, which is always Lena. We play it once a night at most, and only if everyone agrees.

8. THE STICKY CONTROLLER.
Controller 3 has a Z button that sticks. Whoever ends up with it gets first pick of character that night. (Not Oddjob. See rule 1.)

9. LOSER OF THE NIGHT DOES THE DISHES.
Most kills over the whole night wins. Fewest does the dishes. This is how we finally started doing the dishes.

10. NO CHEATS IN REAL GAMES.
Paintball Mode is fine. DK Mode is fine, it's hilarious. Anything that makes one person stronger than everybody else is out.

• Complex, Power Weapons — the regular.
• Facility, Proximity Mines — everybody afraid of every door.
• Temple, Slappers Only — 11 p.m. See rule 6.
• Stack, Rockets — noisy. The neighbors have mentioned it.
• Caves, The Man with the Golden Gun — whoever gets the gun, everybody else goes after them.