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Every horoscope in the Sunday paper says the same thing. A tall stranger. Money from an unexpected source. A romantic surprise on the 14th. Honey, I have been doing hair on Sylvania Avenue for twenty-two years, I have heard what happens to everybody in this town, and not one of them has ever come into money from an unexpected source. The source was always their Aunt Dot, and it was always forty dollars. So here's what the stars are really saying. Find your sign. Brace yourself. |
| OCTOBER 1999 posted a few days early because I have a wedding party at 7 a.m. Saturday, eight bridesmaids, all updos, pray for me |
ARIES March 21 - April 19This month you will start three brand-new projects with enormous enthusiasm, and you will buy supplies for all three. The supplies will live in your hall closet well into the next century. The stars aren't judging. The stars have a closet too. Lucky number: 3 (projects). Avoid: craft stores. |
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TAURUS April 20 - May 20 Someone will invite you to try a new restaurant. You will say yes, look at the whole menu very carefully, and then order exactly what you always order. You will enjoy it very much. The stars had the usual, too. Lucky food: the usual. Lucky booth: the one by the window. |
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GEMINI May 21 - June 20 You will change your mind about something important on the 4th, change it back on the 11th, and by the 20th you'll be telling everybody it was your idea all along. Your friends will let this go. They always do. You should buy them a pizza. Lucky day: Wednesday. Or Thursday. You tell me. |
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CANCER June 21 - July 22 You are going to cry at a long-distance commercial this month. That's fine, those are sad, everybody's grandma is in them. You are also going to cry at a margarine commercial. We need to talk about that one. Lucky object: the box of tissues you keep in the car. |
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LEO July 23 - August 22 A great honor is coming your way! No, it isn't. But you'll walk around like it did, and let's be honest, that has worked out pretty well for you so far. You will check your hair in the side of the toaster at least twice. It looks good. I did it. Lucky color: gold. Like you didn't know. |
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VIRGO August 23 - September 22 Your birthday just went by and somebody spelled your name wrong on the cake. You noticed. You smiled and said nothing, and you will think about it until Thanksgiving. This month you'll also find a typo on this very page. Please don't e-mail me about it. You're going to e-mail me about it. Lucky number: whichever one you correct it to. |
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LIBRA September 23 - October 22 Happy birthday, sweetie! This month you will stand in the cereal aisle for eleven minutes trying to choose between two boxes. Then you will buy both. Then you will feel bad about buying both. The stars suggest you take a Taurus shopping with you. They'll grab the usual and you'll be home in five minutes. Lucky decision: still thinking about it. |
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SCORPIO October 23 - November 21 Somebody at work is going to take credit for your idea at a meeting. You won't say a word. You will simply remember it for the rest of your natural life. The stars would like to remind you that you promised to let things go back in 1997, and the stars know you didn't. Lucky grudge: a brand-new one. Keep the receipt. |
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SAGITTARIUS November 22 - December 21 You are going to announce, loudly, at a family dinner, that next summer you're going to Europe. You are going to Sandusky. Sandusky is very nice. You'll ride everything twice and get a sunburn on one arm from the car window. Lucky roller coaster: all of them. |
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CAPRICORN December 22 - January 19 You'll stay late every night this month and finally, finally get caught up on everything. Then on the last day of the month your boss will stop by your desk with a big smile and a manila folder. The stars send their deepest sympathy and a roll of antacids. Lucky number: time and a half. |
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AQUARIUS January 20 - February 18 You will have a genuinely brilliant idea for an invention while you're in the shower. By the time you find a towel it will be gone forever. It was a good one, too. The stars saw it. The stars aren't telling. Lucky tip: keep a crayon in the soap dish. |
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PISCES February 19 - March 20 You'll spend most of the month off in your own little world, and three different people will have to say your name twice. One of them is your boss. The other two are your kids, and one of them was asking if he could have a snake. Lucky place: somewhere else. Lucky answer: no snake. |
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The Honest Compatibility Chart
About Madame Bobbie I'm no psychic, hon. I'm a hairdresser in Toledo with a chair by the window at The Hair Loft. But I have stood behind people for twenty-two years while they told me every single thing about their lives, and I promise you that beats a crystal ball. The girls at the shop started calling me "Madame" after I told Mrs. Kroeger she'd be back to her old color inside a month. She was back in nine days. I'm a Libra, by the way, so happy birthday to me, and yes, it took me eleven minutes to decide what to put on this page. Mail from the Stars "Bobbie, my Aries one said three projects. I started FOUR. Do I win?" "My husband read me the Capricorn one out loud and then his boss called him on a
Saturday. Are you watching our house?" "I'm a Scorpio and I would like it noted that I read your whole page and I am
not upset." |
