Wait for the Beep!

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IMPORTANT MESSAGE
FOR: You DATE: Today Wait for the Beep!
outgoing messages for your answering machine, and the best ones people left on mine [X] TELEPHONED [X] PLEASE CALL [ ] WILL CALL AGAIN [X] WANTS TO SEE YOU [X] URGENT

Hi, it's Carolyn. Please leave a message. No, really: I've answered phones for a living for nine years, at the front desk of an animal hospital in Omaha, and I've listened to more answering machines than anybody should. Most of them are a person mumbling their own last name and then fumbling for the stop button. You deserve better. Your callers deserve better.

I've been writing outgoing messages for my friends' machines since college, and my husband Gordon finally said I should put them somewhere besides the backs of envelopes. So here they are. All of these are mine. Use any of them on your own machine, free. Just change the names, and please don't blame me when your mother-in-law doesn't get the joke.

And after you're done, go read the messages people left on MY machine. That's where the real comedy is.

WHILE YOU WERE OUT #1 RE: The Game Show
"Congratulations! You've reached the Monroe house, where all of today's contestants are unavailable. Behind door number one: Gordon, who is mowing. Behind door number two: Carolyn, who is pretending she can't hear the phone. Behind door number three: Pepper, who would love to answer but doesn't have thumbs. Leave your name and number, and one lucky caller will win a call back!"
MESSAGE TAKEN BY: C.M. · Our machine for all of 1997. My dad still asks for it.

WHILE YOU WERE OUT #2 RE: The Honest One
"Hi. We're home. We're screening. If you're selling siding, we have siding. If you're from the carpet cleaners, the carpet is fine, we moved the couch over the spot. If you're Mom, hang on, I'm looking for the cordless."
MESSAGE TAKEN BY: C.M. · Not for use if your mother actually calls a lot. She will hear the whole thing every time.

WHILE YOU WERE OUT #3 RE: The Forecast
"Here's the forecast for the Monroe house. Busy this morning, clearing up by the afternoon, with a ninety percent chance of us calling you back after supper. Tonight, scattered laundry. Leave a message after the tone."
MESSAGE TAKEN BY: C.M. · Read it in your best TV weatherman voice. Point at nothing.

WHILE YOU WERE OUT #4 RE: The Menu
"Thank you for calling the Monroes. Please listen closely, as our options have changed. If you're calling about carpool, please hold. If you're calling about the school bake sale, the brownies are already made. If you're calling about a chain letter, we broke it, and we're very sorry. For all other calls, please wait for the beep. If you have a touch-tone phone, go ahead and press some buttons. It won't do anything, but it's fun."
MESSAGE TAKEN BY: C.M. · For people who hate those big-company phone menus. Which is everybody.

WHILE YOU WERE OUT #5 RE: The Kids Did It
"Hi! This is Sarah. And Carlos! We are the kids. Our mom and dad can't come to the phone because... Carlos, what are they doing? ... Carlos says they're doing nothing. Leave a message and we will tell them. Maybe. Say bye, Carlos. ... Carlos. Say bye. ... Okay he left. Bye!"
MESSAGE TAKEN BY: Sarah, 10, and Carlos, 6 · Forty-one seconds long. Everybody's favorite. Nobody has ever left a message after it because they're all laughing too hard.

WHILE YOU WERE OUT #6 RE: The Rollover

"You've reached the Monroes. If you're hearing this in the year 2000, congratulations to both of us: my machine made it, and so did you. If it's still 1999, relax, we've got a flashlight and a lot of batteries. Leave a message at the beep, if there still is one."
MESSAGE TAKEN BY: C.M. · Going on our machine the week after Thanksgiving. You heard it here first.

WHILE YOU WERE OUT #7 RE: For My Single Friends
"Hi, you've reached Vanessa. Either I'm out, or I'm in and I just looked at the caller ID. Either way, leave a message, and I'll call you back based on how good it is."
MESSAGE TAKEN BY: C.M. · Written for my friend Vanessa, who used it for two years and says it saved her a lot of time.

How to Record a Good One
tips from a professional phone answerer

Write it down first. Nobody is funny off the top of their head on the fifth try.
Keep it under twenty seconds. Your callers have lives. The kids' one is the only exception.
Stand close, but not too close. Six inches. Otherwise you sound like you're calling from a well.
Turn off the dishwasher. And the TV, and the dryer. And put the dog out.
Wait for the tape to click. If you start too soon, the first word gets eaten and your message starts with "...eached the Monroes."
Smile while you say it. I'm serious. People can hear it.
Listen back. Everybody hates their own voice on tape. That's normal. Keep it anyway.

BEEPS SO FAR:

Leave me a message! (E-mail, that is.)

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Last updated Monday, September 13, 1999
All messages written by Carolyn Monroe, Omaha, Nebraska. © 1999. Use them on your own machine all you want.