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| 1 | | IN THE COURT OF COMMON SENSE
SITTING AT ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI |
| 2 | | | MARIANNE BEQUETTE,
Plaintiff,
v.
THE PAPER CLIP, also known as "the Office Assistant," an animated character residing in Word 97 on the third-floor computers,
Defendant.
Cause No. 99-CLIP-0001 |
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| 3 | | COMPLAINT FOR RELIEF FROM
UNSOLICITED ASSISTANCE |
| 4 | | COMES NOW Plaintiff, Marianne Bequette, appearing on her own behalf, and for her Complaint against Defendant states as follows: |
| 5 | | PARTIES |
| 6 | | 1. Plaintiff is a legal secretary, age fifty-three, who has typed for the same downtown St. Louis law firm since June of 1969. Plaintiff typed on an IBM Selectric from 1969 until 1991, and on WordPerfect for DOS from 1991 until 1998, and in those twenty-nine years nobody, human or otherwise, ever offered to help her type a letter, because nobody needed to. |
| 7 | | 2. By Plaintiff's conservative estimate she has typed more than forty thousand letters, including letters to judges, letters to clients, letters to opposing counsel that the partners were glad she softened, and one letter to the newspaper about a certain umpire that the senior partner asked her to type and then, wisely, decided not to send. |
| 8 | | 3. Defendant is an animated paper clip with eyes and eyebrows, of no fixed address, who lives in a little window in the lower right corner of Plaintiff's screen, uninvited, and who moves to wherever he pleases. |
| 9 | | JURISDICTION |
| 10 | | 4. This Court has jurisdiction because Defendant appears on Plaintiff's computer, on Plaintiff's desk, on Plaintiff's time, and in Plaintiff's way. |
| 11 | | FACTS COMMON TO ALL COUNTS |
| 12 | | 5. In the summer of 1998 the firm replaced every computer on the third floor and installed Office 97. Defendant arrived the same day. Nobody asked Plaintiff. |
| 13 | | 6. Each time Plaintiff types a salutation, such as "Dear Counsel:", and presses the Enter key, Defendant appears, rearranges his face into an expression of great helpfulness, and offers, in a little yellow balloon, to help Plaintiff write a letter. |
| 14 | | 7. Plaintiff knows she is writing a letter. Plaintiff has been writing letters since Defendant was a twist of wire in a hardware store. |
| 15 | | 8. When Plaintiff is not typing, Defendant does not rest. He looks around. He raises his eyebrows. He taps on the inside of the glass to get her attention, as though she were a goldfish and he the visitor. |
| 16 | | 9. Plaintiff has documented Defendant's conduct over one ordinary working week. That log is attached as Exhibit A. |
| 17 | | COUNT I
INTERRUPTION |
| 18 | | 10. Plaintiff incorporates paragraphs 1 through 9. |
| 19 | | 11. Defendant appears without warning while Plaintiff is transcribing dictation, at which time Plaintiff's feet are on the pedal, her headphones are on, a partner's voice is in her ear and her hands are moving at eighty-five words per minute. A paper clip popping up in that situation is a hazard, and on September 15 it caused Plaintiff to type the word "clip" into a real estate contract. |
| 20 | | COUNT II
WINKING |
| 21 | | 12. Plaintiff incorporates paragraphs 1 through 11. |
| 22 | | 13. Defendant raises one eyebrow, and sometimes both, at Plaintiff, in a manner Plaintiff construes as winking. Plaintiff has been married to the same man for thirty-one years and does not appreciate being winked at by office supplies. |
| 23 | | COUNT III
TAPPING ON THE GLASS |
| 24 | | 14. Plaintiff incorporates paragraphs 1 through 13. |
| 25 | | 15. Defendant taps on the inside of Plaintiff's screen with what Plaintiff supposes is his knuckle, although a paper clip does not have knuckles, which only makes it worse. |
| 26 | | COUNT IV
OFFERING HELP WITH LETTERS
PLAINTIFF HAS TYPED FOR THIRTY YEARS |
| 27 | | 16. Plaintiff incorporates paragraphs 1 through 15. |
| 28 | | 17. On nineteen separate occasions in a single week (Exhibit A), Defendant offered to help Plaintiff write a letter. On one occasion he offered twice within the same minute, for the same letter. |
| 29 | | 18. On Friday, September 17, 1999, Defendant offered to help Plaintiff with a letter to a client whose letters Plaintiff has typed since 1974. That client's own children were not yet born when Plaintiff began typing his letters. Defendant did not arrive in this office until 1998, and Plaintiff has shoes older than that. |
| 30 | | EXHIBIT A
LOG OF APPEARANCES
WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 13, 1999 |
| 31 | | Monday, September 13, 1999 |
| 32 | | | 8:31 a.m. | Opened Word. Defendant appeared and looked at me. I looked back. | | 8:47 | Typed "Dear Counsel:" and pressed Enter. Offer of help with letter. Declined. | | 9:20 | Same. Declined. | | 10:05 | Tapped on the glass while I was transcribing. | | 11:40 | Wink. | | 2:15 p.m. | Offer of help with letter. Declined, firmly. | | 3:50 | Looked around the screen for no reason. Then at me. |
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| 33 | | Tuesday, September 14, 1999 |
| 34 | | | 8:29 a.m. | Appeared. | | 9:02 | Offer of help with letter. Declined. | | 9:02 | Pressed Enter again. Offer of help with the SAME letter. Declined. | | 10:30 | Tapped on the glass, twice, while I was on the phone with the clerk's office. | | 11:15 | Offer of help with letter. Declined. | | 1:10 p.m. | While I saved a brief, Defendant put on a little show with a sheet of paper. I did not ask for a show. | | 3:20 | Offer of help with letter. Declined. | | 4:45 | Wink. |
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| 35 | | Wednesday, September 15, 1999 |
| 36 | | | 8:35 a.m. | Appeared. Fay came over to look at him. He tapped on the glass at Fay. | | 9:15 | Offer of help with letter. Declined. | | 10:20 | Popped up during dictation. See Count I ("clip"). | | 11:00 | I pressed F1 by mistake, reaching for Escape. Defendant arrived at once, delighted. | | 1:45 p.m. | Offer of help with letter. Declined. | | 2:30 | Offer of help with letter. Declined. | | 3:00 | Offer of help with letter. Declined. I may have said something. Diane says I did. |
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| 37 | | Thursday, September 16, 1999 |
| 38 | | | 8:30 a.m. | Appeared. | | 9:45 | Wink. | | 10:10 | Offer of help with letter. Declined. | | 11:55 | Tapped on the glass. | | 2:00 p.m. | I asked Defendant how to start the page numbers on page two. He found it. Plaintiff is obligated to report this, being under oath. | | 3:15 | Offer of help with letter. Declined. | | 4:20 | Offer of help with letter. Declined. |
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| 39 | | Friday, September 17, 1999 |
| 40 | | | 8:33 a.m. | Appeared. | | 9:00 | Offer of help with letter. Declined. | | 9:40 | Offer of help with letter. Declined. | | 10:40 | Tapped on the glass. Then a wink. In that order. | | 11:30 | Offer of help with letter. Declined. | | 2:10 p.m. | Offer of help with letter. Declined. | | 3:30 | Offer of help with the letter to the client from 1974 (see paragraph 18). Declined. | | 4:58 | Closed Word. Defendant left without saying goodbye, which is the first considerate thing he has done all week. |
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| 41 | | SUMMARY OF EXHIBIT A |
| 42 | | | Appearances, all kinds | 36 | | Offers of help with a letter | 19 | | Taps on the glass | 6 | | Winks | 4 | | Times Defendant was actually helpful | 1 |
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| 43 | | TESTIMONY OF WITNESSES |
| 44 | | Fay, legal secretary, twenty-seven years with the firm, who sits across from Plaintiff: "He winked at me too. I am a grandmother of six. I told him so and he did it again." |
| 45 | | Diane, legal secretary, eleven years with the firm: "He offered to help me with a fax cover sheet. I have been sending faxes since they came out on that curly paper. I don't need help with a fax cover sheet." |
| 46 | | Tammy, legal secretary, four years with the firm, called by Defendant: "I think he's cute. I named him Lester." Plaintiff objects. Objection sustained. Plaintiff notes for the record that Tammy also likes the screen saver with the flying toasters, and will leave it at that. |
| 47 | | Our computer man, who is twenty-six and calls everybody "chief," testified that Defendant is "working as designed." Plaintiff notes that so is a mosquito. |
| 48 | | PRAYER FOR RELIEF |
| 49 | | WHEREFORE, Plaintiff respectfully prays that this Court: |
| 50 | | | (a) order Defendant to remain hidden during business hours, and preferably at all other hours;
(b) permanently enjoin Defendant from offering help with any letter typed by a woman who has been typing letters since the Nixon administration;
(c) enjoin Defendant from winking, raising either eyebrow, or tapping on the glass;
(d) award Plaintiff one IBM Correcting Selectric II, in blue, which she will keep on the credenza out of spite;
(e) award costs, including one box of chocolates for the third floor; and
(f) grant such other relief as the Court deems just, including a long lunch. |
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| 51 | | | Respectfully submitted,
/s/ Marianne Bequette
Marianne Bequette
Plaintiff, appearing on her own behalf
Dated: Monday, September 20, 1999 |
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| 52 | | CERTIFICATE OF SERVICE |
| 53 | | I hereby certify that a copy of the foregoing Complaint was served upon Defendant by typing it in Word 97, during the course of which Defendant appeared four times and offered to help with it twice. |
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