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| 1 | | IN THE COURT OF COMMON SENSE
SITTING AT ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI |
| 2 | | | MARIANNE BEQUETTE v. THE PAPER CLIP
Cause No. 99-CLIP-0001 |
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| 3 | | PLAINTIFF'S MEMORANDUM ON REMEDIES
(or, How I Hid Him) |
| 4 | | While the Court considers the Complaint, Plaintiff has taken certain matters into her own hands. What follows is what Plaintiff did on her own computer, in Word 97, on the third floor. Plaintiff is not a computer person. She offers only what she has done herself, and what worked for her and for Fay, and nothing she has not tried. |
| 5 | | REMEDY 1
SEND HIM AWAY FOR NOW |
| 6 | | Defendant sits in his own little window, and the window has a little close box, the X, in its top corner, the same as any other window. Click the X. He goes away. |
| 7 | | This remedy is temporary. He comes back the next time you ask Word for Help, or the next time you press F1 by mistake while reaching for the Escape key (see Exhibit A, Wednesday, 11:00 a.m.). It is, however, deeply satisfying, and Plaintiff recommends it first thing every morning. |
| 8 | | REMEDY 2
TELL HIM WHEN HE MAY SPEAK |
| 9 | | Click on Defendant himself. His yellow balloon opens, and at the bottom of it there is a button marked Options. Click it. |
| 10 | | A box opens with a list of checkboxes. These are the rules about what he is allowed to do on his own: when he may pop up, when he may offer tips, whether he may make his little noises, and so on. Read down the list slowly. Uncheck every box that lets him do something you didn't ask for. Plaintiff unchecked nearly all of them, including the noises. Then click OK. |
| 11 | | Fay did hers the same afternoon. The two of us have had a much quieter week. Tammy did not do hers, and Lester (see Complaint, Testimony of Witnesses) is still knocking on her glass, and she says she likes the company. |
| 12 | | REMEDY 3
THE COMPUTER MAN'S REMEDY |
| 13 | | Our computer man says there is a way to take Defendant off the computer altogether, using the installation CD. He will not do it to Plaintiff's computer, because then he would have to do it to everybody's, and he says Tammy would cry. Plaintiff has not been able to get him to tell her how. She has offered cookies. The matter remains under advisement. |
| 14 | | REMEDY 4
TRADE HIM FOR SOMEBODY ELSE |
| 15 | | The paper clip is not the only helper. In the same box where you found Options, there is a second tab called Gallery, where you can pick a different one. Our computer man loaded the others from the CD so Plaintiff could try them, and Plaintiff tried every one for one full working day. Her findings: |
| 16 | | | The Genius. A little white-haired professor with a mustache. Looks as if he knows the answer and isn't going to tell you. Plaintiff has worked for partners like that. Rejected.
Scribble. A cat, drawn as if out of a crumpled sheet of paper. Plaintiff loves cats, and has two. Plaintiff does not love this cat, who sits there looking as if he's the one doing all the work. In fairness, that is also what Plaintiff's cats do. Rejected.
Power Pup. A puppy in a superhero cape. Far too much energy for a law office before ten o'clock in the morning. Rejected.
The Dot. A little round ball with a face. It bounces. Then it bounces. Fay said watching it made her seasick. Rejected.
Will. William Shakespeare himself. A man who wrote all those plays with a feather pen has no business offering anybody help with a letter, and Plaintiff kept waiting for him to say something she would have to look up. Rejected, with respect.
The Office Logo. Just the colored logo, which turns and rearranges itself now and then. It has no eyes. It has no eyebrows. It cannot wink. It does not tap on the glass. It does not look at Plaintiff. ACCEPTED. |
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| 17 | | RULING |
| 18 | | Plaintiff has chosen the Office Logo, and the Logo stays. Plaintiff has also unchecked every box under Options, so the Logo has very little to do, which suits the Logo, and suits Plaintiff. |
| 19 | | Defendant has been moved to the Gallery, where he may be visited by appointment. Plaintiff has no plans to make one. |
| 20 | | A WORD TO MY FELLOW SECRETARIES |
| 21 | | If you have one of these on your computer and it has been driving you to distraction, you are not alone, and it is not you. Write to me and tell me what yours does, and with your permission I will add your story to the Complaint as an affidavit, first name only. |
| 22 | | Plaintiff reserves the right to amend this memorandum when the firm buys the next version, which our computer man says is "already out." Plaintiff has asked him not to tell the partners. |
| 23 | | | Respectfully submitted,
/s/ Marianne Bequette
Marianne Bequette
Plaintiff, appearing on her own behalf
Dated: Tuesday, September 21, 1999 |
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