The Ramen Cookbook

GeoCities.us » CollegePark » Dorm

THE RAMEN COOKBOOK

20 ways to cook a 25-cent package of noodles in a dorm room
without setting off the smoke detector (again)

by Jess Kowalski, junior, room 314, eating ramen since fall of '97

[ HOT-POT RULES ] [ THE 20 RECIPES ] [ THE $22 WEEK ] [ ROOMMATE HALL OF FAME ] [ LINKS ]

Why this page exists

Hi. I'm Jess. I am a junior, I am broke, and I live in a dorm with one hot pot, one microwave down the hall that smells like 1994, and a mini-fridge that my roommate and I bought used from a guy who was clearly moving out in a hurry. My meal plan ran out of money at the end of last spring in, and I am not exaggerating, WEEK NINE, so this year I'm on the "light" plan (that's the one for people who think they'll eat on campus twice a day and then don't) and I'm making up the difference with ramen.

A package of ramen costs about a quarter if you buy the ten-pack. A cheeseburger at the student union costs $3.49. You do the math. I did the math. I have done the math a LOT. I've also figured out that plain ramen for seven days straight makes a person genuinely sad, so over two years I've worked out twenty versions that taste like actual food. Every single one on this list has been tested, in this room, on this hot pot, on real hungry people (me, my roommate Danielle, and whoever wanders in at 11 p.m.).

NOTE: I'm not a nutritionist. Ramen is basically salt and noodles. I put an egg or a vegetable in most of these so that my mom will stop mailing me vitamins. Also read the hot-pot rules first because I love our RA and I'd like to keep her.

Hot-Pot & Microwave Rules (a.k.a. how to keep your RA happy)

Our hall has had TWO evacuations since August and it's only September. One was popcorn. One was a guy who put a foil-wrapped burrito in the microwave. Neither was me. Here's the deal:

HOT POT

Check your dorm's rules. Some halls allow a hot pot (the little electric kettle-pot thing with a lid), some only allow a plain electric kettle, some don't allow anything with a heating coil. Mine allows a hot pot with an automatic shutoff. Get the kind with automatic shutoff.
NEVER leave it plugged in and walk away. Not to the bathroom. Not to answer the phone. A hot pot that boils dry smells like burning plastic and sets off the detector, and then 200 people are standing in the parking lot in their pajamas glaring at you.
Never run it empty. Water in FIRST, then plug in.
Unplug when done. Don't rely on the shutoff.
Set it on something that isn't your desk, your bed, or a pile of paper. We use an upside-down baking sheet from the dollar store. It also catches the boil-overs.
Don't cook in the hallway. It's a fire lane. Also everyone will want some.
Keep the cord away from the edge where you'll snag it with your foot at 1 a.m. Ask me how I know.
Wash it. Old ramen broth + a week = science project. See Hall of Fame.

MICROWAVE

Big bowl. Ramen boils over in a small one and then you're cleaning the community microwave, which nobody has cleaned since it was installed.
Cover it with a paper towel or a plate. Not plastic wrap touching the food. Not foil. NEVER foil. See: burrito guy.
No metal. No takeout containers with metal rims. No mugs with gold trim. Sparks are not a feature.
Microwave 3 minutes, stir, 1 more minute. Don't just hit 6 and walk away. Dry noodles + no water = smoke.
The bowl is HOT. Take a towel with you. Everyone learns this once.

The Twenty

The basic method for everything below: hot pot with about 2 cups of water, boil, drop in the brick of noodles, cook 3 minutes, stirring to break it up. Add the seasoning packet (or not, see each recipe) at the END, off the heat, or it tastes like you boiled a salt lick. Microwave: noodles in a big bowl, water to cover, 3 minutes, stir, 1 more minute.

I use the cheap store brand or the famous one with the guy on the front, either's fine. Flavors: chicken is the all-purpose one. Beef for anything with cheese. Oriental (that's what the package says) for anything with peanut butter or soy sauce. Shrimp: no. I don't know anybody who buys shrimp.

1. EGG DROP RAMEN. The one that started it all. Cook noodles. Turn the heat off. Crack an egg into a cup, beat it with a fork, then pour it into the hot broth in a thin stream while stirring. It cooks into silky ribbons in about 20 seconds. Add the seasoning packet. Costs an extra 7 cents. Tastes like a restaurant.

2. THE POACHED EGG. Same idea, lazier. When the noodles have 1 minute left, crack a whole egg in and DON'T stir. Put the lid on. The white sets, the yolk stays runny. Break it over the noodles. This is breakfast ramen.

3. PEANUT BUTTER RAMEN. Do not laugh. Cook the noodles, DRAIN most of the water (leave a couple spoonfuls), stir in one big spoonful of peanut butter, half the Oriental seasoning packet, and a shake of hot sauce. Stir until it's a sauce. It tastes like the peanut noodles at the Thai place for 1/10th the price. Danielle wouldn't try it for a year. Now she makes it more than I do.

4. CHEESE RAMEN. Cook noodles, drain almost all the water, add half the beef packet, lay one American cheese slice on top, put the lid on for 30 seconds, then stir it into a gooey mess. This is the ramen you make at 1 a.m. It is not good for you. It is very, very good.

5. THE STIR-FRY. The one I'm proudest of. Boil noodles 2 minutes only, drain COMPLETELY. Put them back in the hot pot with a handful of frozen mixed vegetables (they thaw in the hot noodles), a spoonful of soy sauce, half the packet, and a little oil if you have it. Stir over the heat for a minute till everything's hot. Frozen veggies are 99 cents a bag and one bag does 5 ramens. My mom approves of this one.

6. STIR-FRY WITH EGG. #5, but scramble an egg in the hot pot first, take it out, do the noodles, put the egg back. Now it's basically fried rice with noodles.

7. HOT SAUCE RAMEN. Chicken flavor, full packet, as much hot sauce as you can stand, a squeeze of lime if some fell off a truck. For colds. Danielle's cure for everything.

8. GARLIC BUTTER RAMEN. Drain the noodles. Stir in a pat of butter (the little foil ones from the dining hall keep in the mini-fridge forever), a shake of garlic powder, and a little of the packet. Add parmesan from the shaker if you've got it. It's basically pasta. Tell yourself it's pasta.

9. THE TUNA MELT. Cheese ramen (#4) plus half a can of tuna, drained. Sounds gross, is not gross. Keep the window open.

10. SALSA RAMEN. Drain noodles, stir in 2 spoonfuls of salsa from the jar and a cheese slice. Beef packet, half. Tastes vaguely like a taco. Good with the tortilla chips you were going to eat anyway.

11. THE HOT DOG. Slice a hot dog into coins, boil it WITH the noodles. Full chicken packet. This is the ramen of a 9-year-old and I will not apologize.

12. CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP (fake). Chicken flavor, extra water (3 cups), a handful of frozen peas and carrots, black pepper, and if you were at the dining hall, some chicken you smuggled out in a napkin. Add a crushed saltine on top. Make this when you're sick and your mom is 400 miles away.

13. COLD SESAME NOODLES. For when it's 90 degrees in the dorm (all of September). Cook, drain, rinse under COLD water in the bathroom sink (yes), then toss with soy sauce, a spoonful of peanut butter thinned with a little water, and hot sauce. Eat cold. Best with the last of the frozen veggies thawed in.

14. RAMEN OMELET. This is a Danielle invention. Cook noodles, drain, let cool a minute. Beat 2 eggs with half a packet, stir in the noodles, and cook in the hot pot with a little butter, pressing it flat, until the bottom is brown. Flip it if you're brave (we use a plate). It comes out like a noodle pancake. It's weirdly great. It's also the only thing in the hot pot that ever requires a spatula, which we don't own, so: a plastic knife.

15. RANCH RAMEN. Drain, add a squirt of ranch dressing from the bottle you keep for pizza crusts, some of the chicken packet, and black pepper. I know. I KNOW. Try it once.

16. BREAKFAST RAMEN. Poached-egg ramen (#2) with a slice of cheese and a slice of deli ham torn up. Full chicken packet. Sunday morning at noon, when the dining hall's brunch line is out the door.

17. PIZZA RAMEN. Drain. Stir in 2 spoonfuls of spaghetti sauce (a jar is $1.19 and lasts all week in the fridge), a cheese slice, and a shake of garlic powder and oregano if you have it (steal the shaker from the pizza place; they expect it). Beef packet, a little. It really does taste like pizza in a bowl.

18. CURRY RAMEN. Chicken packet plus a half-teaspoon of curry powder (a $1.79 jar lasts the whole year), stirred in with the broth. Add frozen peas. Add the egg ribbons from #1. This is what I make when someone I want to impress is over. It's worked twice.

19. THE CRUNCHY SNACK. Don't cook it at all. Crush the brick in the bag, pour in the seasoning packet, shake. Eat like chips during a study session at 3 a.m. Not a meal. Everyone does it anyway.

20. THE KITCHEN SINK (end of the week). Whatever's left: the last egg, the last of the frozen veggies, the heel of the cheese, the end of the hot dog, any packet. Cook it all. Some weeks it's amazing. Some weeks it's a lesson. Friday is Kitchen Sink night and Danielle's mom's care package arrives Saturday, so it's all part of the cycle.

Things that DON'T work, so you don't have to find out: ketchup ramen (sad), orange juice instead of water (Danielle, freshman year, dared), the seasoning packet in the microwave with the water (sparks, it has a foil lining? It seemed like it did), and anything involving the cafeteria's soft-serve.

The $22 Week

This is my actual grocery list from the store on the corner, from the week of September 13. Prices as marked on the shelf (the corner store is a little higher than the big supermarket, but the big supermarket is a bus ride). This plus the "light" meal plan (five dining hall meals a week, which I use for dinners Mon-Fri when I have late class) feeds one junior for a week with the twenty recipes above. One mini-fridge, one hot pot.

Item	Price	Notes
Ramen, 10-pack, chicken	$1.99	The foundation of civilization
Ramen, 5 loose, beef & Oriental	$1.45	29 cents each loose. Variety is important for morale.
Eggs, one dozen	$0.99	The most important 99 cents on this list
Frozen mixed vegetables, 1 lb bag	$0.99	Lives in the freezer part of the mini-fridge, which is the size of a shoebox
American cheese slices, 12	$1.79	For #4, 9, 10, 16, 17
Peanut butter, 18 oz	$1.89	Lasts 3 weeks. Also: sandwiches. Also: a spoon.
Bread, store brand loaf	$0.89	Toast (in the lounge toaster), PB sandwiches, sopping up broth
Hot dogs, 8	$1.29	On sale. Usually $1.69.
Bananas, about 5	$1.10	Fruit! Look, Mom!
Milk, half gallon	$1.49	For cereal (cereal = free from dining hall in a cup, I didn't say that)
Spaghetti sauce, jar	$1.19	For #17 and for dipping bread when it's bad
Hot sauce, small bottle	$0.79	Lasts a month. Danielle goes through one a week.
Soy sauce, small bottle	$0.99	Lasts 6 weeks
Can of tuna	$0.59	One. For #9. Emergency protein.
Big bag of generic tortilla chips	$1.49	Study fuel
Instant coffee, small jar	$2.29	Lasts a month. Made in the hot pot. Non-negotiable.
Saltines, sleeve	$0.69	For #12 and for being sad
TOTAL	$21.90	Plus tax on the chips. Under $22. Sometimes I splurge on a $1.99 rotisserie-chicken leg quarter from the deli counter and go over.

The things that last more than a week (peanut butter, sauces, coffee, curry powder, garlic powder) mean the NEXT week is more like $15. Textbooks are $80 each so this matters. Danielle says I should add a line for "the pizza we ordered anyway on Thursday," which is fair, and which is $8.50 split two ways. Every budget has a Thursday.

Roommate Disaster Hall of Fame

Names changed to first names only, to protect the guilty. Danielle has approved every entry about her and would like it noted that she "does not do that anymore."

5th place: The Fridge Ramen. Freshman year roommate Kristin made a bowl, ate half, put the bowl in the mini-fridge "for later," and went home for Thanksgiving. Later was December 1. The bowl had a lid. The lid did not help. We moved the fridge into the hall. The hall did not help.

4th place: The Great Hot Pot Boil-Over of March 1998. Danielle, three cups of water in a two-cup hot pot, plus noodles, plus "I just went to the bathroom for a SECOND." The broth went over the side, down the desk, into the desk drawer, and onto her psych notes. She got a B in psych. She blames the ramen.

3rd place: Foil Guy. Not our room, but our floor, September 3, 1999. Leftover burrito in foil in the community microwave, sparks, smoke, alarm, whole building outside at 12:40 a.m. He's on the second floor. We know who he is. He knows we know.

2nd place: The Egg. Freshman year, Kristin again. Somebody told her you could hard-boil an egg in the microwave. You cannot. Well, you can, but then it explodes, either in the microwave or, in this case, in the process of being peeled, directly onto the ceiling. The stain was there when we moved out in May. It may still be there. If you live in 218 in Harmon Hall, look up.

1st place, forever: The Hot Pot Science Project. Summer of 1998. Danielle's boyfriend at the time, Marcus (not the Marcus with the web page, a different Marcus), made peanut butter ramen in HER hot pot in June, did not wash it, put the lid on, and put it in her closet for the summer. Danielle opened the closet in late August. I was there. I will not describe it here because people eat while they read this page. We put the whole hot pot, lid and all, in a garbage bag and threw it out unopened, and she bought a new one, and THAT is the hot pot I am cooking on right now, and THAT is why rule #8 exists. Marcus is no longer in the picture. The hot pot is.

Honorable mention: me, last week, putting the seasoning packet in with the paper still on it. Nobody's perfect.

Links

Life at State: Marcus's Freshman Year - a freshman's diary. (The other Marcus. Marcus, if you're reading this: light meal plan. Trust me.)
The Study Skills Page - run by the learning center director. I should read it more than I do.
Marching Band Life - Amanda's page. She eats more than anybody I know and is in better shape. Band is a cult, I'm pretty sure.
Campus Corner Copy & Print - where I printed my last paper because the lab printer was out of toner again.
Rosa's Kitchen Table - real food, cooked by somebody's actual mom. I go here to feel things.
Paying Off $23,000 in Debt - a couple working off their debt. My future. Ramen is training.

Back to the College Park neighborhood

Coming soon (as in, after midterms): Recipes 21-30, including "things you can do with a bagel from the dining hall." Also a page for the guestbook once I figure out how.

Hungry people who have visited:

Send me your ramen recipe and I'll test it: [email protected]
(I check e-mail in the computer lab between classes. If it's a disaster story, even better.)

Last updated: September 23, 1999 (after the Thursday pizza)